Aftermath

Chapter 11-Part 2

Chapter 11-part 1 left Lou, sitting out on a patio at a Swedish cottage, journal in her lap, drink in her hand, her thoughts scattered out before her as disjointed beads as she works to make some sort of order or sense out of them...chapter 11 continues...Order from disorder...

When Lou was small, her mother had cancer and Gran was very overwhelmed with caring for a dying daughter and three small grandchildren. Some of Gran's relatives had been coming over to help her babysit and one of them was her brother Byron. At first, when he started molesting Lou, he'd do it in such a way that he made Lou think it was her fault. The first few times it hadn't hurt, much, but felt strange and he'd told her over and over how good she was making him feel, that she liked it and wanted it. By the third time, Lou was well aware of how wrong it was, how dirty it made her feel and sore, and that's when Byron began to threaten to start up with Eloise if Lou wasn't a good girl for him. It went on over the course of a summer. Gran began to get suspicious when Lou started to act funny and one night, after waking up from a nightmare, having just wet the bed, she confessed all to Gran, that she was a dirty girl, that God didn't love her and that she was going to hell. Gran hushed her and told her it wasn't her fault that she wasn't a bad girl, that she should forget what happened with Byron and she never spoke to or about her brother Bryon ever again...Lou hadn't wanted to talk about it, wanted to erase Byron's greasy touch from her heart forever.

Lou's mom died a few weeks after Gran threatened her brother with a shotgun on the front porch of the farmhouse, and life just got harder from there on out. Lou pushed behind her all the nasty feelings she had felt over the abuse--for that was what it was, child abuse, though Lou still struggled to see it that way. But then after a few weeks of therapy, Dr. Bita dragged all the dark, decrepit past up and shoved the darkness inside Lou into the light. Lou had spent a few weeks grieving for that little girl who had carried the shame and guilt of being unworthy of love. That little girl still lived inside Lou, and though her adult, rational mind understood a child of five and six could never be at fault for what happened, it was still hard to separate. Her doctor helped Lou see that she coped with the abuse by considering her action, her active role in the abuse, as a necessary part of protecting Eloise. She was successful in protecting her little sister from Byron so in her child's mind, she registered it in part as a victory and success. Lou had always thought of herself deep down as dirty and bad, and that Eloise was pure, perfect and she cherished all the joy her sister shared with the world.

Carter was a strong man that was very possessive of Lou physically from the start of their relationship. After she established a trust with Carter, Dr. Bita pointed out the reason why she easily relinquished her power to Carter was because she was attracted to the safety of his dominant personality.

She didn't know how much of all that made sense to her, or if it was even helpful but it definitely gave her a lot to think about. She didn't want to stop her therapy in leaving Montreal and travel to Europe, but she didn't want to lock the kids in the house for the summer either. Paul and she had stayed in touch. Ander and Ivor called or emailed her about once a week as well. The only brother she didn't hear from was Voss.

She had politely told him that she didn't want to stay in touch. It was the best chance for her healing and not be distracted by the confusing attraction she had felt towards him. But Lou had to admit, a part of her wished he would call. Just so she could hear his voice on the messages he used to leave her. She thought about him all the time, mostly at night before she fell asleep and her dreams were filled with him.

Just to torment her subconscious further, Lou had rented a few of his earlier movies and the first few seasons of his show. His roles were very physical and he was really talented and drop dead sexy in certain scenes. And with every thing she watched, she dreamed of him more; dreams of him bending down and kissing her, dreams of him caring for her, dreams of him lying next to her in bed just talking and laughing with each other. She never told anyone about these dreams, especially Dr. Bita, ashamed that she could so quickly desire another man after just violently losing her husband...worried it was some sign that she had a black heart, or maybe she was a sex addict or something, or maybe she was a black hearted sex addict.