okay, i am a weekend over at moms place. i go there twice a weekend a month. its a whole lot to deal with, but hey.. what the fuck am i gonna do about it. so i am with my mom and her boyfriend my two sisters and two stepsisters. and i kinda enjoyed this weekend, you know got to rest a little.. no worries for the house, dont have to clean the house, feed the animals. just enjoy spending time with my sisters. and i was so sick of how things were going at dads house.. i was just exhausted.
so i was sitting on the couch everybody around me and i was just looking at them, my family.. people which i thought who cared about me. so i ran upstairs to the room i was staying in. which is the room of my two stepsisters. and started crying. i was so done. i was about to go to the bathroom to release some anger, frustrations and pure pain. but then my oldest stepsister came up. ''hey chick, whats wrong? have you been crying?'' she asked me. ''uhm yeah, sorry'' i answered at her whiping my tears away. ''no, its okay.. you wanna talk about it?''. ''no, sorry not really.'' then she went downstairs after nodding understandingly.
i went back to the room , because i was scared to get caught.. because nobody knew. they would send me to a psychologist right away, and i wasnt waiting for that really.. then i heard someone else come up, someone heavier and older. '' sweetie, are you okay?'' she poked her head into the opening of the door. '' yeah, im fine. i just dont want to go back anymore. i cant take it any longer mom..'' and i started crying again. she looked at me with wide hopefull eyes and said '' stay here then. we will go to your dads place tomorrow when you were supposed to be home, but then you'll just tell him you want to stay with us.'' ''but mom, i will hurt him so much.. and i'll break my promise to him'' after i managed to choke that out i started sobbing histerically again. '' shhhhh, its okay sweetie. i know you promised him, but you need to choose for yourself now.'' she tried to calm me down. i sat up straight and said ''mom, its not that easy. what if he does something to himself? and school? how am i gonna do that? and there's not enough place for another girl in this tiny house mom. and what will the others think...'' mom interrupted ''Kassie stop, enough. school will be fixed, you'll be traveling by bus, and train if necessary. place will be fixed too. it will be totally fine kass. and you really worry too much about what people think. just go for what's best for you.'' she kissed my forehead.
the next day was the day, i was gonna tell dad that i wasn't coming home. but just that i was going to grab all of my clothes and some stuff, to go back with mom.
we sat in the car, mom and her boyfriend in the front seats. and i was in the back with some earpluggs. i was really scared for dads reaction, would he get mad? would he cry? but most important.. would he understand? i shaked my thoughts off and turned the volume up on my phone.
as we turn around the corner of dads house, my heart starts banging real fast.. oh no, if i get a panic attack right now i'll have to explain everything too. okay kass, calm down. breathe... i remained seated for a little while longer, because i was really scared. so i wanted to prepare myself mentally a little bit.
you probably wonder why i am so scared of my dad. but he has these extreme ways of showing his enotions. and he yells alot. he doesnt hit me or something he would never do that, but his words can be so powerfull.
i opened the car door and stepped on the cold street. i closed my eyes and felt the cold breeze in my face, which blew my hair back a little. it calmed me down.. i really love nature you know, it's just doing what it is supposed to be doing. no worries, nothing. i breathed out very deeply, the moment of truth has come. i stepped off the street onto the sidewalk, and i walked up to dads door trough the garden. mom and her boyfriend followed me. ''it's gonna be okay kass, just do it. he will understand'' mom whispered while she patted my back a little. i ringed the doorbell. and oh my god i was scared. i teared up a little when he opened the door. ''hii darling, how are you? how was your weekend?'' dad started. a tear slipped down my eye, i wiped it away and said ''hey dad, im fine and my weekend was fun.'' he looked around and started to freak out a little. ''uhm hey kass, where are your bags? and why are you crying?'' ''uhm dad, i need to tell you something.. but you need to promise me not to get mad or something okay? and please listen to everything i have to say, so let me finish my talk. i hope you understand...'' another tear trailed down my face while i said that to him. why is this so hard for gods sake?! '' Kassie, for real.. you freak me out. what is going on kid?''
here we go.
''dad, first of all i want you to know that i love you very much and i never make a choice to hurt you. but things have been very tough on me lately. you work alot, and i barely see you anymore. and because you arent here i have to do everything in the house. but i also have school and alot of homework. i also have to take care of our pets, which isnt always easy. i can't take it anymore like this dad. it's too much for me. and i'm so sorry to leave you. but i really have to go for my own good.'' i started crying again, after i saw how much this hurt dad. '' so, i just came here to get my stuff. im gonna live with mom, i'm sorry.'' and before i could say anything dad sobbed once very hard, he shook his head and turned around and got inside and slammed the hallway door very hard. he was hurt, very very hurt. and at the moment i said it, i doubted if i made the right choice.
