the next few weeks were worse than ever before. i was very lonely. i didnt feel anything anymore. the cutting got so bad, more and so much deeper. it wasnt like anybody noticed or cared. so i could feed my demons in ease. i had alot of attacks and i started to gain weight again.. so my self esteem dropped to the bottom. i was slowly dying already. i needed help. and fast. and i thought alot. but there was one thing that kept popping up in my mind. and that was that i only wanted help from him... Caleb. And i really dont have any idea why.. i just feel safer with him.. it seemed like he really cared. but then, he just walked out on me.. and why? because i am just 16 years old. it kinda surprised me that he didnt say anything.. i thought he was different, but on the other side i dont, because im alot to handle. and im one of the ugliest grossest girls alive. and people always stay far away from me. maybe he finally realized.
Caleb's P.O.V.
'' Kassie wait up!!'' i said to her.. ''we can walk out togheter right?'' i asked. she just nodded. we walked out of the door togheter. she grabbed her bike that was still on the ground. ''dont you have a car?'' i blurted out. ''uhm no? im only sixteen you know..'' she said and blushed. for the first time my face turned into a bright red colour. ''oh im sorry'' was all i said and i turned around. i saw her look at me while i went home, i also think she said something more. and im dying to know what. but crap, sixteen.. thats young. would they accept it? what the hell Caleb, you have a girlfriend!! i just need to stop talking to her for a while.. maybe im just at a weak point in my life because things arent actually going so well with Demi. actually i need to wake up early tomorrow to go over to her place, and stay there for the night. we are in the middle of a vacation so i dont have to work on monday and tuesday. so that actually pretty nice. i could use a break from all the stupid cleaning. that little side job is also such a nice distraction, because i love to do it.
~ the next day~
''hii'' Demi shirped when she opened the door. '' hello'' i said back. she hugged me, so i hugged her back instantly. i missed her. all of a sudden she started kissing me intensly. i kissed her back but tried to hold her down. because she was close to undressing me right on this spot, at her frontdoor. she looked up at me, and snorted. she raised her eyebrow, looked over her glasses with this playfull grin. ''what is it?'' was all she said. ''nothing'' and shrugged. she looked dissapointed. i dont really know what has gotten into her, but she was needy. i walked past her into the living room, where her parents sat on the couch. ''hii, how are you guys doing?'' i asked them, just to be nice. they looked up at me both mumbled ''fine'' at the same time and turned their heads to the tv again. i remember when Kassie did that with her fingers. she did exactly thesame. but it felt so different with her. i really wonder whats going on with her, she got me into her shy and mysterious life.. and i need to know whats going on in her head. ''HELLOO" Demi waved in my face. ''are you coming upstairs to unpack your stuff?" she wiggled her eyebrows. i just shook my head no a little in confusion and said yeah.
as soon as we got upstairs she dropped herself on the bed and invited me to come. i sat down next to her and we just watched some tv. till dinner. then we ate and went back upstairs. this time she pulled off my shirt. i didnt care.. i layed down and she cuddled up to me. in the meantime she had taken off her pants and i didnt even notice. i wanna talk to her, to Kassie. she is just such a beautifull girl with a pretty face and a beautifull body, and i have to know whats going on in that little head. but i cant. i cant give in to my weaknesses, i should just work it out with Demi and be happy. and live my life with her. we need to work somethings out. but that will be alright. Demi started touching me everywhere.. she started kissing down my stomach, and undressed me further. things started to heat up and we made ''love''.. but all i could think about was Kassie, and how i could be doing this with her. and it feels so wrong. but i cant stop my thoughts. im the worst guy ever.
i tried to focus on Demi, and how SHE was MY girlfriend... and at what we were doing right now, in this moment, TOGHETER. i cant believe myself. i need to think things over. everything is going pretty bad lately. work, my relationship and my thoughts. im going crazy. yes Caleb, youre going crazy.. dont think about it so much. youre weak for any distraction right now. its gonna be okay. we are going to be okay.
Demi reached her climax, but i didnt that night. i was just empty. it was not love, it was everything but that. there was absolutely no feeling for me. she asked me if i did. i nodded for her own good, and for mine. otherwise she wouldnt stop.
she cuddled up to me again, butt naked and fell alseep. i grabbed my phone, opened whatsapp. scrolled over to Kassie's number. i started a few sentences and deleted them all after a little time. i put my phone down again. it would give her hope and i would get in trouble with Demi and i wasnt really into that.
i put the tv on a sleep timer, otherwise her parents will get mad. i watched tv as i slowly fell asleep with Demi in my arms.
