Plucky Thoughtfullness

Was it really worth it?

A question I so often ask myself.
Over and over.
And over and over.
And again
Here I am.

Was it really worth it?
Soft lips on mine,
Shaky breath with the faded taste of red wine.
Was it really worth it?
To take another line
Then lying "No, I really feel fine."
"I'm just shy," but deep down, I know that's a lie.
But who am I really lying to?
Myself, or you?

Was it really worth it?
Blurry nights with endless highs.
If only there weren't these painful goodbyes.
But maybe that's just me, right?
Because you're doing fine.
No need to be lying
I'm happy for you.
Truly. I am.
I just have no clue
Why I'd never do this to you.
Or anyone else.
That's just who I am.
'Cause I'm a lover.
I long for soft lips on mine
With the faded taste of red wine.
Warm hands touching my skin,
Making me feel something,
Making my heart beat faster.
My life feels worth living
In these moments, in these nights—
Especially when I look up
And your eyes meet mine.
And for a short time,
I dare to believe you.
That you're a lover like me.

But deep down, I know
There's nothing I can do.

Will it really be worth it?
For a night—or maybe two.
Breathing your breath,
Holding on to you.
Clinging to the things I want to feel,
Wishing, hoping,
That maybe it's real.

That maybe -
It will be worth it.

But it's not.
Actually, it's never.

And I know -
I might end up with a broken heart,
And a feeling like fever.
But the wine makes my vision blurry and you my heartbeat unsteady and I long for someone to hold me when everything feels too heavy.

At least for the night.
And maybe the morning after.
But with the sunrise -
It's already gone.
The magic disappears.
What have I done?

And again, I'm asking myself -
Was this really worth it?
Being left aching like this.
Feeling used,
Still lying here next to you
With the love I gave
Only abused.

And I know I wanted it too.
I really did.
Or
Did I?

And again -
I'm asking myself.