who am i?

worthless

Author's Note: Sorry about the delay :/ I had some writers block but I finally know where I'm taking this and oh god was the ending of this chapter painful to write... ugh I just cringe... anyway, I hope you enjoy! I'll hopefully upload tomorrow as an apology for my poor scheduling of posting. Hope you guys like this! Or at least want to know what happens next... ;) -Sophia

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I still had so many unanswered questions... Who was "he"? Who was the guy I thought Phil cheated on me with? Why didn't I want myself to remember all of my past? 

Then again... Do i really want to know? I mean... I attempted suicide before... Would I do it again if I knew anything? 

Everything I remember changes how I feel about this whole situation. I've never realized before how a single memory can entirely alter you as a person and your future.

As I was lost in Phil's eyes I decided to just confront him about the whole mysterious guy thing. 

"Phil... I remembered something recently... I was on a roof and it was because I thought you were cheating on me with someone... Who was that?" I asked.

Phil's expression showed pity and regret now, I almost wished I hadn't mentioned it. 

"That was our friend PJ. I was texting him a lot because... well because we were planning a sort of surprise for you. I met him at loads of restaurants to go over the plan and looking back on it, it was stupid and I shouldn't have done it... PJ and I went out to a bar after one of our usual planning sessions once and I blacked out. You never told me what happened but you were just never the same after that night. It was before the night on the roof...I'm guessing whatever happened that night marked the start of you feeling so worthless. I don't even know what happened and I'm just..." 

Phil's voice began to fade out as I remembered something.

Worthless...

Phil was on the couch in the living room, half asleep. Something was wrong with him. It was midnight and he was blackout drunk. He hasn't spoken to me since he got home, and for some reason I was afraid to confront him.

Eventually I mustered up the courage and walked slowly into the living room. 

"Phil...?" I asked hesitantly.

"Oh! Hey- hey Dan! How're you?" He slurred his words and when he turned to look at me his motion was very fluid... Just... Not Phil. Not my Phil. I've seen him drunk before, but only when I've been drunk as well... This was different though. I didn't like this.

I was scared.

"I'm okay..." I mumbled.

Phil lazily sat up a bit, "But... But are you really though? I mean... Lately you've been acting a lil' little bit off..." 

I took a deep breath. Everything is okay Dan, it's just Phil. "I mean I've been a bit insecure lately but nothing too out of the ordin-"

Phil cut me off, crying, "Well what am I supposed to do? I-I try to do everything, anything, always for you and you're still not happy and.. and I just don't know what to do to make you happy. Like... I love you but I jus' don' know how to keep you happy anymore... d'ya know what I mean?"

I sighed nervously. Phil getting worked up isn't something I'm used to. As a matter of fact... I don't remember him ever really crying in front of me. 

Is this how he really felt? Thinking back... He's always been the one helping me. What have I done for him? 

"Phil... Please don't cry, it's okay... I'm okay..." I sat by him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I jus' don't feel good enough for you Dan... No matter wha' I do I jus' can't make you happy and I try and try and try..." He continued to cry. 

I felt a pain in my chest as my heart was ripped to shreds. 

I love him, and I never even thought about how the way I feel about myself would crush his self esteem as well... I'm the one that's always been upset and I've hardly seen Phil without a smile.

He tries so hard to keep me happy and he thinks my insecurity is his fault. I began to cry as well.

"No... Phil you're perfect. I love you so much and-" I was cut off as Phil stood up and smashed a bottle on the floor.

"I JUST CAN'T DO EVERYTHING DAN! AND I'M SORRY! ALL I EVER WANT IS THE BEST FOR YOU AND I JUS' CAN'T KEEP YOU HAPPY AND I'M SORRY!" he was swaying back and forth as he yelled, which made me nervous.

I stood up and tried to maneuver him back onto the couch but he stormed off into his room instead. 

"I JUST FEEL SO GOD DAMN WORTHLESS DAN! IF I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE YOURSELF LIKE I LOVE YOU... THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF ME BEING HERE?!" he slammed himself onto his bed, his face in the pillow, crying.

I laid next to him and just held him. I wish I didn't feel this way about myself but tonight has just made everything worse. My self esteem was now effecting his self esteem. 

After a while, he stopped crying. He nuzzled into me and quickly fell asleep.

I drifted back into the living room to clean up the bottle he shattered before going into my room to sleep. 

I doubt that he'll remember any of this in the morning, but I just couldn't ignore the one thing he said that surprised me most...

"I just feel so god damn worthless Dan." 

The memory then faded.

Was that really how he felt? 

I debated telling Phil what I remembered before realizing... I hadn't confronted him about that night before... And look where I ended up. 

I told Phil everything about what I had just remembered.

"Dan... I'm so sorry..." He said, clearly trying not to cry.

Why is it that he tries so hard to be brave all the time? I remember thinking during the memory that I had never seen him REALLY cry before. I know I had to have known Phil for years, yet still it seemed as though I knew nothing. 

I found a new curiosity in discovering what he was really feeling behind his constant smile.

"Phil-" I began, before he cut me off.

"No. None of that was true. I mean... I do get upset that I can't make you happy because that's all I've ever wanted; for you to be happy. But I've never felt worthless because of that... You have to believe me-"

Phil was interrupted by a knock on the door.

We both looked at each other in mutual confusion, so I'm guessing he was just as clueless as I was.

He stood up to get the door and I followed him almost as though it was a force of habit.

Phil opened the door and stood there was a very attractive boy; something about his bright green eyes and curly hair just made me a bit weak.

Wait... what am I thinking?