who am i?

epiphany

Author's Note: Friends... sadly the next chapter of this fix will be the last. however... I have an idea for a new phanfic... zombie apocalypse? thoughts??

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Dan's POV

I made my decision. The look on my face when I said Phil's name said it all.

I chose to remember. No matter how depressed I was, or how depressed I'm going to be... I love Phil, and that's something I couldn't throw away.

I woke up, and everything came flooding back. I remembered not being able to move in the hospital... and I remembered everything Phil did and everything Phil said while I was out.

I remember trying so hard not to dream. I tried to constantly stay semi-consious so that Phil wasn't alone.

But I also remember wanting to die. I didn't want to be here anymore, I just couldn't.

The worst part of remembering it all was that there was no new enormous secret memory that was a turning point to my depression.

I only remember the nights alone in my bedroom, with the memory of PJ coming on to me pulsing through my head, wishing I could tell Phil.

I remember the first time I self-harmed. And then I remembered the second time, and the third... And the many that followed.

I remember feeling myself slowly sink down into an ocean of darkness and drowning in my own silent hell.

But now I felt different. I saw how life without me was like for Phil; he couldn't let go. So how could I?

Phil...

I now realized Phil was beside me, shaking me.

"Dan? DAN?! Are you okay? DAN!" his voice became steadily louder.

I looked him in the eye and smiled.

His expression of horror now melted into one of disbelief, "Dan? You remember... Don't you?"

I nodded and saw tears form in his eyes. I held him in my arms the way I remember how to. I kissed his forehead the way I always do and ran my hands through his hair for what felt like the first time in years.

I pulled away for a moment to look at his poor, weak face and felt sorry. He was sick. He would never admit it but he hasn't had a decent sleep or eaten well for over 2 weeks, and I just woke him up at 4 am.

I sighed, "you should really get some rest Phil."

He laughed, "coming from the guy who stays up until 5am every day?"

I smiled slightly before laying down again and taking him with me.

"Ugh Dan I want to talk to you! I've just gotten you back and now you're making me wait... again?" He said sharply.

I felt a pang of guilt hit my gut and began to say something before he cut in, "I'm sorry- that sounded harsh. I can't pull off sarcastic jokes like you can."

I smiled and just began stroking his arm up and down gently and after a minute or so I heard him mumble, "okay 5 minutes of sleep and then we'll talk-" he yawned, "deal?"

I was proud of my fabulous comforting skills and whispered back, "deal."

I continued to gently draw swirls and invisible patterns on his arm with my fingertips and soon I felt his body delicately sink into sleep.

Spoiler Alert: I didn't wake him up after 5 minutes.

I couldn't sleep though. I stayed up smiling at all of our good memories together.

Meet ups and youtube conventions and traveling around the world... But after about an hour Phil rolled over, "how long has it been?"

I knew he wasn't fully awake but I lied anyway, "2 minutes, you still have time."

He hugged me tightly and after a few moments, his grip loosened and he was out again.

I began feeling drowsy then as well.

"I'm sorry Philly," I whispered, even though I knew he couldn't hear me, "I love you, however you're going to wait a few more hours. But don't worry...

I'm here to stay."