who am i?

October 19th, 2016

Phil pulled away from me and I smiled. 

"What is it?" he asked.

I laughed a bit, feeling the happiest I had since I woke up, "You... You hugged me without asking." I smiled at him.

He blushed slightly before shaking his head and apologizing frantically, "Oh... Uh... I'm sorry; I didn't even notice... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to invade your privacy or anything-" 

Something came over me just then. It was like I heard the real Dan; the Dan that remembered everything. 

Kiss him.

As I heard those words in my head, I leaned forward and grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him. 

He gasped a bit as first, since it was so sudden, until he relaxed and began to kiss me back. 

Run your hands through his hair.

I did as my voice in my head told, and I felt Phil smile.

I smiled too, and I have to say... I felt like I was kissing him for the millionth time. I remember the way he moves, I remember how my heart beats faster, I remember how he melts to my touch, I remember it all. 

Suddenly he pulled away quickly and shook his head, "no... this isn't right... it-it's like I'm cheating on him... You're not Dan... You're not my Dan... Not all of him at least." 

I felt guilty for some reason. "I'm trying to remember. I am. But it's like... It's like there's two of me inside my head. There's me, right now, confused and trying to learn everything about myself... Then there's me, two weeks ago, your Dan, and it feels like that Dan doesn't want to come back. Like I don't want myself to remember everything." 

Phil shook his head, "you're lying. If Dan is really in there, then say something. Say something only us would know. " He crossed his arms, looking pissed, but adorable. 

After a moment I began to panic. I wasn't getting anything. Why would I tell myself to kiss him but then not let him know there's hope? What's wrong with me? 

October 19th, 2016.

I repeated it immediately, "October 19th, 2016." 

Phil's pissed expression changed to shock, and then he sat down, tears in his eyes, smiling. 

"I love you." He said.

I was relieved that he believed me but I had so many questions.

That date... Why was that important...?

I was remembering something...

Phil and I were laying on the grass in Japan. It was April 2015 and we just sat looking up at the dark sky.

I wondered what Phil was thinking about, as we sat there in silence. But there was a question burning in my mind. 

"Phil... Do you want to marry me?" I asked quietly, and after I said it I regretted it. I hoped he didn't hear me. I should've asked in a better way, more complex; more romantic or something. But my voice just always sounds sarcastic. 

"Took you long enough to ask." He said even quieter than I spoke before. 

I felt my body warm up despite the cold breeze and I smiled. 

We were silent again and I awkwardly spoke, "well obviously I'm going to ask you in a fancier way than that... and I am the one that's going to ask you by the way. That was just... precaution so I don't have another embarrassing story to confess to a camera." 

I heard him laugh. The genuine, beautiful, sweet laugh that only he can do. I laughed too, and took pride in myself. 

I love that he thinks I'm funny; I love making him laugh.

I love him.

"Okay Dan..." he said before continuing, "you just have to do me a favor..." 

"Anything" I replied, feeling proud of my romantic-y response. It was cheesy, but I didn't care.

"Can I pick the date? The wedding date?" he spoke nervously.

"Of course," I looked at him, only to see that he was already looking back at me hopefully. "What day did you have in mind?"

He responded almost immediately, "October 19th, 2016." 

"The day we met back in 2009?" I smiled at him. 

He nodded, "that gives you over a year to ask me, and it's also a day that's special to us. Is that okay?"

"It's perfect." I replied, as I leaned in to kiss him. 

He smiled at me before we kissed. I saw it just for a moment. His eyes said "I love you" and "you're beautiful" at the same time. 

And in that moment I fell in love with him even more.

The memory faded.

"We were..." I corrected myself, "we are going to get married." I smiled up at Phil.

"We were." his smile faded a bit as he broke eye contact with me.

I shook my head and caught his gaze, "no, it's still going to happen, okay? I'll remember everything. If it's the last thing I do, I will. I promise." I held his hand.

He smiled back at me, but I recognized that smile. 

That was the same smile he gave me in Japan that night.

It was nice to see it again.