who am i?

the truth

Author's Note: SORRY FOR THE DELAY GUYS!! I've started school and I've been trying to keep up with work, making edits on vine, and i've also started a Youtube channel! (my vine and youtube are both "i panic! for fandoms" in case you're interested) I plan to update this story about once or twice a week!! i already have the next chapter in my head, just typing it is the hard part lol. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this kind of strange twist! (really taking a risk with this chapter... im so nervous ahhh) Enjoy!!

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I know why I never told him.

I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. 

I knew what it looked like when he was disappointed; I remember from the first day I woke up in the hospital and didn't remember who he was...

But I told him anyway. 

After I told him, he didn't look disappointed... it was worse than that. 

He was hurt.

He cried and stood up with his back facing towards me, "why would PJ do that to you? to us?"

I pulled him into a hug, saying nothing.

I don't think anything had to be said. 

Eventually we maneuvered into his room to sleep. I put on some of his pajama bottoms, as did he. 

We just laid there for a while; him holding me in his arms. 

He was so warm; his body was so familiar to me. 

I fell asleep easily, and I had a dream.

I hadn't had a dream for... well... I couldn't remember the last time I really had a dream.

I was standing in front of myself. 

Although, the version of me I was staring at seemed so frail; he had dark circles around his eyes and was much thinner and paler than I am now. 

I recognized him.

"Hello Dan." he said. 

"Um.. hi?" I responded.

I was literally talking to myself.

"I take it you remember me to some extent..." he said, "I'm you, the old you. The you that remembers everything. I remember all the good... and the bad... memories. I'm still here, basically is what I'm trying to say by this. Let me explain, alright, have you ever felt like you nearly remembered something... but it just wasn't surfacing?"

I had, so i nodded.

"That's me! And have you ever just suddenly blurted out something, feeling like it was natural, but not knowing why?" he continued.

I remembered when I said Phil's name that day in the hospital, so I nodded again.

"Well Dan, that's me! I've been here this whole time. Or should I say... You've been here this whole time? Dan you remember everything, you do. You just choose not to. You're kidding yourself Dan. You only remember things you choose to remember, for the sake of yourself. You're trying to make yourself believe that you don't remember everything. It's up to you Dan, whether or not you want to remember, choose. This whole act is getting very old and frankly, its over. You've been stuck in this state of limbo between remembering and forgetting and now is the time to pick a side. Choose."

My head pounded with the realization that what he was saying is true. It's all true. I could practically feel the memories in the back of my head trying to resurface. 

But do I want to remember? If the old me is trying so hard not to remember... maybe I want a better life for myself. Maybe I was trying to set myself up for a better future.

But then there's the fact that I'm not trying to fix the problem. I have a feeling I've never tried therapy so maybe that could work... Maybe I could get better. 

And finally there's Phil. The biggest mystery to my past. Why did I forget him? Was he a part of the problem in the beginning? Or did I forget him because he'd be the reason I'd want to remember it all?

What do I do? 

Do I remember everything, including Phil, and try to fix the past and learn who I am?

Or do I lose it all forever and restart my life, with or without Phil?

"You have to choose now Dan, you're already oversleeping. When you wake up everything will be final."

"SHUT UP!" I said, pacing back and forth. 

Suddenly I stopped, and walked to stand about a foot away from the Dan standing in front of me.

I examined him entirely. I looked him up and down, until I met his eyes. 

I saw how desperate he was; I saw how sad he was. 

I wanted to help him, but I really didn't want to look like him again. 

But I knew how I would decide, and it would be the result of one word. 

I sighed, looked him in the eye, and said...

"Phil."

I watched his expression and I looked to the ground.

It was obvious what I had to do, but it wasn't what I was thinking of doing before.

I looked back up at him and nodded, "okay."

Then I woke up.