who am i?

no

Author's Note: trigger warning!!! this is about to get intense. I'M SORRY IN ADVANCE PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

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I woke up before phil, and before waking him up I just sat there for a minute.

He looked so calm; not as stressed as he usually is when he's awake. I wish I didn't make him so upset. Then again, I wish none of this happened in the first place.

I just wish I could remember what happened. Why I'm here; what happened to me.

After getting lost in my thoughts for a while, Phil woke up. He looked startled and started frantically speaking, "Oh, Dan, I'm sorry I must've moved in my sleep... I'm sorry, I'll just.." he began to get up, but I held his hand.

"No, Phil, stop. I moved you. It's okay." I smiled at him a bit.

He smiled back but every time he smiles it seems as though there's a certain sadness behind it. He doesn't smile the same way he did in my memories.

Phil sat back down next to me and I finally asked him, "Phil... What happened to me? Please... I just have to know."

Phil looked at me sadly, "You'll know when we get home."

My heart sank. Whatever happened was bad for him; for both of us. You could see it in his eyes.

Soon I got dressed in all black clothing, and as soon as we were cleared by all the nurses and doctors... we were on our way home.

Once we arrived at our flat, memories started flowing back every time I looked at something.

The kitchen, where we would bake together and record it... why did we do that again?

The couch, where we would binge watch shows on Netflix and cuddle.

Neither of us spoke as I just moved through our home; taking it all in.

Soon I began drifting towards where the bathroom was, and as I moved to open the door Phil grabbed my hand and yelled, "NO!"

No...

He's said that before...

I was on the bathroom floor crying hysterically.

I'm done; I can't do this anymore. I'm in love with Phil but there's no way I'll ever be good enough for him.

The fans, they'll be upset but it wasn't like I was posting anything good anymore anyway.

I've run out of ideas; I'm a failure. Phil would be better off if I was just gone.

Phil would be home in about an hour; I had to do this fast.

I went into my room and sat on the untidy bed. I turned on a few lights, got out my camera and tri-pod then hit record.

"Hi internet... This is going to be a bit of a different video. No sarcasm, no light-heartedness, and I'm sorry for that. I just can't pretend anymore like I've gotten better. I want this to be a message to all those out there to please keep fighting. Fight for me, and fight for yourself. Fight for me because I can't fight anymore..." I began to cry, but at this point I didn't care. "I'm a failure, and I know I am. I don't upload regularly and I've run out of ideas. I have nothing.

Well... I have Phil.

Phil, I'm sorry for all I've put you through. Comforting me every night while I'm upset, for trying to lift my spirits, and for doing the radio show by yourself today so that could catch a break.

I love all of you. Thank you for supporting me and constantly encouraging me to keep going... but I'm tired.

Everyone... Anyone... Take care of Phil. This will hurt him and I know it will.

Phil, I love you, and I'm sorry... I really am." I was really crying now so I took a moment to regain my composure.

"This was the most fun I've ever had... Goodbye internet." I then shut off the camera and moved back into the bathroom.

I stood looking at myself in the mirror, crying and trying to convince myself not to do what I was about to, but I just couldn't.

I took sleeping pills out from the cupboard and poured them all into my hand. I filled a glass with water and began swallowing 5, 10, 15...

I soon lost count. I heard the door open to the flat and heard a familiar voice, "Dan! It's me!"

I felt my hands begin to shake as I started to panic. Why wasn't anything working?

"Dan..?" I heard Phil's worried voice say. I heard him drop something and begin running around the house, "Dan! Where are you?"

He then opened the bathroom door which I forgot to lock; I'm such an idiot.

We both stood there looking at each other in shock for a moment. I then felt tired. I began swaying, holding my head with one hand, trying to regain composure.

"Dan what did you do...? Dan... please..." Phil's shaking voice asked.

My grip on the pill bottle loosened and it fell to the ground, empty.

"NO!" I heard Phil scream.

My body then collapsed to the ground and as I hit my head on the edge of the bathtub, everything went black, and Phil's screaming cut out abruptly.

The memory faded as I stared into Phil's terrified eyes. He hasn't slept much since that day, or eaten... I could tell.

Phil, my poor Phil, has been traumatized and it's all my fault.

"I don't want you to remember it. Why you're in the hospital... It's my fault Dan... It's all my fault." Phil began to cry.

I held him in my arms; trying to comfort him.

We moved to the couch and I just held him; not saying a thing. I don't think I had to. He knew I remembered.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered.

"I just... I didn't want you to remember that part... I really didn't," Phil cried.

Honestly... I wish I hadn't remembered it either.