who am i?

forget

Author's note: trigger warning!! I think this may be the darkest chapter i've ever written. this one was hard to write. and just an overall reminder to anyone that may see this: talk to me if you need someone to be there for you. I'm always here. NEXT CHAPTER IS NICE I SWEAR! Also I need like two or three names for the next chapter as fans! if you want to be featured just comment your name! :)

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"PJ, hi... come- uh- come on in..." Phil said.

PJ... That was the guy I thought Phil was cheating on me with?!

"Hey, thanks." PJ replied as he walked in, putting his hands in his pockets.

Phil made PJ a cup of tea and we all sat on the couch together.

It was fairly late- I wondered what he was doing here.

"So... How are feeling?" PJ asked me.

"I've been feeling okay, just a bit confused. Amnesia is really being a bitch. I remember all the childhood and teen stuff but the past few years are blank." I said, sighing heavily.

PJ smiled, but there was some relief in that smile... why was that? "Well, I'm Peej, and we've been friends for a few years. We've done some collabs, for YouTube and stuff-"

I cut him off, "YouTube? What's YouTube?"

Peej looked to at Phil questioningly, "you haven't showed him his videos?"

I had videos?

Phil's eyes widened, "oh my god!" He immediately sprang up and grabbed his laptop.
He proceeded to shows me my videos from the beginning.

Peej, Phil, and I sat there for hours just watching me talk... Laughing occasionally.

Memories came flowing back like crazy; I remembered filming everything.

I remember hating some bits, and loving others.

I remember editing out myself laughing at my own jokes, and then calling myself a pathetic idiot.

I even managed to catch a glimpse at some of the comments which were either ironically rude and funny or just kind.

I smiled and suddenly felt bad for all the people that could be worrying about me right now.

Millions of people that care about me... What possibly could have happened to me so that I would just leave them all behind?

How did my depression get that bad?

Phil went to the bathroom and as soon as he shut the door PJ held my hand.

"Do you remember what happened between us?" He asked.

He looked different than earlier; now I noticed the bags under his eyes and he looked desperate... or was he scared?

Was I just making everyone lose sleep?

I shook my head hesitantly.

"Oh thank god... I think it might've been what made you... well why you went and tried to... Ya know..." PJ looked to the ground.

"What happened?" I asked him.

"I can't. I'm sorry. Maybe you'll remember someday and if you do... I'm sorry too. I came here today to say goodbye. I feel awful about what happened; it wasn't me... It wasn't either of us there that night. I don't know what happened to me. I just came here for closure... For myself mainly. Forget me Dan." He smiled sadly and placed his hand on my cheek.

There was a flushing sound from the bathroom and PJ stood up immediately to leave.

Forget...

I was remembering something.

I was playing Mario Kart with PJ on the couch while Phil was at his mum's for the weekend.

PJ was spending the night and we both already had a few drinks.

"Piss off" he said, as I was gaining speed close behind him.

"Bants will get you no where" I said, as I passed him and then the finish line; coming in 1st at the last second.

"Dammit" Peej said, throwing the controller onto the couch.

"That's 22 for me... How about 23 out of 45?" I said with a smile.

PJ rolled his eyes and then just smiled at me.

His eyes then drifted to my lips and his smile faded slightly.

I recognized that look.

That was the same look Phil would give me before we would go to his room and-

Oh god.

PJ sat next to me and leaned into me, placing his lips on mine.

It all happened so fast I had no time to react. I think my reflexes were delayed.

I'm not sure if it was suppressed emotions or the alcohol... But I liked it.

I really liked it.

He was different; he was new. We began to make out and he was soon on top of me.

I don't remember how we got to my room but we were there and soon i drifted out of consciousness... I think.

As I regained composure slightly I saw he removed his shirt, and mine. When did that happen?

I shook my head.

What was going on?

He began to undo my belt, as he kissed me again.

I tried to say "no" but no words came out.

I'd never kissed him before... Because I never wanted to.

Because of Phil.

Phil!

I shoved him off of me.

"Oh my god..." I stood up, and began pacing the room, stumbling a bit in the process.

PJ stood too, "what happened?" he said; looking concerned.

I began to feel extremely guilty as I craved for the presence of my Phil.

I started to tear up and without looking at PJ I mumbled, "get out of here."

"What?" He asked, pulling my chin up with his finger to bring me into another kiss.

I held it only momentarily before pushing him away again and yelling, "GET OUT!"

He quickly put on his shoes and was out the door without another word.

I collapsed on the bed in tears.

I grabbed my phone and texted PJ angrily.

Me: wht the fuck was thst?

Peej: Forget it Dan.

Me: no rrly, please explsain to me, wht the fucvk just happened?

Peej: forget.

I looked up to PJ with tears in my eyes, out of confusion and anger.

I felt dirty for thinking he was attractive earlier.

"How... Could... You...?" I asked quietly, practically shaking.

"Dan?" Phil asked.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH HOW COULD YOU?!" I stood up and ran at PJ.

Phil held me back and PJ was out the door.

Just like the memory; without a word.

I fell back onto the couch and felt Phil rubbing my back gently.

I looked to Phil sobbing, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."

Phil looked confused, "what happened? Did he say something...?"

It was that moment that I realized how my depression got so bad.

I never told him.