The Space Between

Chapter 10: Finding Her In My Head

Boracay... it feels nice to have my feet on the sand, with the sun and wind blowing kisses at me.

Home sweet home.

I'm a bit tired after the flight from Singapore to Manila, then Manila to Kalibo. Then another trip to the island of paradise... but I'm not complaining! I've never been more excited to taste the salt air again.

And I can't wait to see my friends again... and Alyssa.

The flight took its toll on me, so I took a nap, enough to energize me. Around dusk, I was still by my lonesome self, with my friends getting delayed coming over. My bad. I didn't give them enough notice. But I do need the space and quiet.

To clear my thoughts.

To rationalize things.

The outdoor jacuzzi was inviting me to take a dip. The water is refreshing. I got in.

I inhaled the fresh provincial air, and I could feel it clearing my lungs... clearing my head. I had my glass of wine. Just a celebratory bottle. And as I took a sip of it, I could feel it's tangy sweetness on my tongue, as if luring me to delve deeper in my thoughts.

And I reflected on what has happened...

First, Mika is definitely out of my system. How did it happen so quickly, let me take another sip...

I watched as the foam on the water dance and flirt with the night lights. And I remembered how it was and has been with me and Mika.

I have loved her. I easily fell in love with her. With her pretty face and long legs, who wouldn't?

But I knew things were bound to break us apart. The love I had for her did not take root. Yes, I did love her, but it came too fast, too easy for me, that I seem to have loved her as a girlfriend, not as a partner, and not as an individual.

Is it my bitter self talking? I took another sip...

I remembered the time I first saw Mika. She was the Belle of the court. Not exactly the drop dead gorgeous type, but she was a standout with her fair complexion, complimented by her volleyball jersey, her slim frame, tall height, and her innate swagger. She was oozing self-confidence. Every man wants a woman with an air of self-confidence. And I wanted her.

It was easy for us to be introduced, as I got friends from DLSU. We met, exchanged numbers. And after I have vocally expressed how I am smitten by her, she reciprocated the attraction. After that, it was way too easy for me, until we became a couple.

Most people thought that we had a Romeo+Juliet-themed love story. Two star-crossed lovers from rival schools. But these two lovers could just as easily meet any time we want to, without any hurdles along the way. It was really that easy.

But I did love her. I was loyal to her. I wanted it to be her.

But what I failed to realize at that time was that we never seemed to have talked about the future. All we ever had was the moment, the present. How it was between us, how we felt, how we enjoyed it. We never banked and invested on "us" in the future.

And if given the opportunity, would I want to talk about it with her?

I took another good sip...

If it has been us at the moment, I could have brought up the subject. Yes, because I have loved her.

But maybe, I wouldn't have. Our relationship was merely on the physical level. First base. And the most I could have thought of during that time would be the moment I would see her again.