The Space Between

Chapter 7: Pretensions and Illusions

Preparation for the SEA Games is under way.

Practices are killing us, figuratively and literally, as we have been up early in the morning, doing our strengthening/conditioning exercises, then scrimmages, and all those in between. Good thing I get to hang out with Den a while longer, before she goes to med school, which by the way, means we will get to see each other once in a blue moon.

I got to play and practice with the best young players, and some veterans who are still in their youth, and the pain and discomfort is nothing as compared to the privilege of being surrounded by these people. I did experience some shoulder muscle strain, but I have to keep going... spikes... receiving... digs... blocks...

And sometimes, I could see Kief hanging around in the Blue Eagles Gym. We haven't spoken much these past few days. It has always been a "hi-hello" ritual for us. I kinda missed the way we would banter and hang out. But with practices and mental conditioning, who has time for those? I guess I'll just have to be contented that I get to see him, and happy enough to know that he also practices nearby.

After practice, I got my towel and took a big gulp of my drink, and I noticed Kiefer approaching us. I smiled at him, but he seems so different. Indifferent? Cold? I approached him, and I felt that first stirring of hurt. He just looked at me, smiled a little smile, then looked to his right and waved at Ate Rach.

I was dumbfounded. What's wrong? What happened? I don't understand. I saw Den and Jaja moving towards the shower room. I called out their names and asked them to wait up for me.

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I saw her.

Everytime I step into the Blue Eagle Gym, my eyes would always find her among her peers, or a crowd. She was the first person I would see, like I am drawn to her by unknown reasons and forces. And I could not stop looking at her.

Yes, I admire her skills and talent. The way she moves around the court. The way she flies, arcs her back, and hits the ball. The way her eyes would scan the floor to look for a loophole where she could make her attack. And the way she would lift the moral of her teammates to play happy and good.

It's like poetry in motion, watching her play. And I am always in awe, just like the first time I saw her play.

It would always feel like the first time whenever she plays.

And every hit of the ball would have that resounding thud in my heart, as if that is the very moment I have been waiting for. Over and over again.

I have been lurking in the gym before our basketball practices. After our practices. If I have the time. I'd just like to watch her play. But I could not approach her. Talk to her. Joke around with her.

Things have been different since the last time we talked. So many things opened, so many words left unsaid kept bubbling to the surface of my mind. And so many memories floated in front of me, begging me to acknowledge them.

Yes, I'm confused right now. I envy the people who surround her that could just easily make her smile. I envy the people who get too close to her, invading her space, and being rewarded with a kiss or a hug. I envy those people.

For I could not do any of those things anymore. I try not to. It gets too uncomfortable. Too intimate. And I do not want to scratch the surface of my thoughts and emotions when it comes to her.

Because I'm afraid, like the last time, I would fail. And I might lose her forever.

But despite all these thoughts, I keep moving forward towards her. Like my feet having a mind of their own. And I suddenly became aware that she was looking my way.