Glass House

THIRTY-TWO

My mouth was open, but nothing came out. His face remained perfectly clear even through the tears that welled in my eyes. It was real. He was real and he was here.

My dad.

I felt his arms wrap around me as my body tried to catch up with time. I smelled his woodsy shaving cream; the same one he would let my 6-year-old self lather around his head and beard. Then, I'd put some on my face too, as if I couldn't look more like him already.

We embraced for what felt like an eternity. A million thoughts took turns rushing to my lips, but I couldn't speak.

"I know, baby, I'm here now," He cried into my shoulder, rubbing the back of my head.

"Dad?" I pulled away from him to stare at his face again. My hands cupped his wet cheeks as he smiled through his tears. "I don't understand--"

"Can I come in?" he sniffled, "We can talk about everything."

As my mind slowly made its way back into my body, I realized we were standing in the doorway with the door wide open. I quickly wiped my face and stepped to the side. When I closed my door, I just knew he wouldn't be there when I turned around, but he was. My dad was here.

I didn't know where to start. He stood awkwardly a few paces ahead of me, peering around my apartment until his eyes landed on a blue and purple dinosaur sprawled out among the rest of my childhood things.

"I had to buy this behind your mom's back," he chuckled nervously, "You liked dinosaurs, but she said dinosaurs was a--was a boy thing. I took you out of school that day and we went--"

"--to the mall across the street from Humboldt Park." I interrupted him through my sniffles, "I remember."

"You were my right-hand girl, Indy. There was nearly nothing we ain't do together."

"Then why did you leave me and mom?" I asked, shocking myself. I saw a twinge of disappointment show on his face. I didn't expect myself to ask so abruptly, but nothing made sense right now.

"Can we sit down? We obviously got a lot to talk about."

I gestured for my dad to join me on my couch but he shot a look at Nas who was watching us from a stool in the kitchen.

"It's okay. You can tell me what you need to tell me in front of him," I assured him.

He didn't break his eye contact with Nas, and Nas didn't either. "This your boyfriend?"

"You can ask me questions after you explain yourself." I pat the spot next to me on the couch and my dad joined reluctantly.

When I looked at him, I saw myself, which is how I knew he was just as nervous. He twiddled his thumbs the same way I do, and his eyebrow twitched in anxiety.

"Indica..." Another deep, long sigh left his mouth. "I didn't wanna leave you and your mom. It was complicated, baby."

"Okay? Complicated how?"

"I loved your momma so much. I gave her everything I could, I want you to understand that," he explained, "But I had lost my job, and I couldn't keep up with the lifestyle she wanted."

"So?"

"I don't wanna change the way you view your mom. I know how close y'all was--"

"Dad, please spit it out," I said with more irritation in my voice than intended.

"She started fooling with your stepdad while we was still married. Way before you was born, actually. It's a lot more history there than we let you know."