Past Love

Chapter 35: Message

Sunday January 1st, 2006

{Damon's Safe House}

12:05am

Damon

I woke up to the sound of fireworks, but for a second I thought they were gunshots. That's how you know you've been in the life too long — you can't even tell the difference between celebration and danger anymore. The clock on my nightstand said 12:07 AM. New Year's Day. A fresh start, supposedly. But nothing about my life felt new. The room was cold but I had sweat pouring down my body. Being in this place, being in this mess, I don't even know how I got here, how I let my mistakes get me this far. All I wanted to do was get away from this life, my life of being a gangster or wannabe gangster. I wanted to better myself, do something with my life, just try to be better. I thought about all the people i let down in my life, all the people that tried to help me, all the people that have tried to destroy me, i listened to the portable radio that was beside me, it was tuned to 89.1 JESL The St Louis Jazz Channel. Summer Madness by Kool & The Gang was playing. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes, even though i felt like i haven't slept at all. I felt like going outside but sometimes i wonder if i go outside would i be shot or would Alex be there waiting or have his goons waiting, would they even know where i am? It's like i'm still living in fear. I knew what i was going to do, i could not live in fear anymore.

I reached under my bed and pulled out the spiral notebook I'd been filling for weeks. The cover was bent, the pages wrinkled, but the information inside was sharp. Precise. Dangerous. Alex's stash spots, His drop‑off times, Who he trusted. Who he didn't, Where he went when he was angry. But I didn't write it like a snitch. I wrote it like someone studying a predator.

Because that's what Alex was — a predator who thought I was prey. I flipped to the most recent page.

December 31st — 8:40 PM.

Alex had been at Lee's old spot in the 1300 block of Gregan Pl in St. Louis, yelling at one of Lee's guys. I watched from across the street in a wooded area, behind an abandoned house, hood up, hands in my pockets. He didn't see me. He never looked for me in the shadows. He expected me to run, not to watch. That was his mistake. I closed the notebook and stared at the ceiling. I didn't want to hurt Alex. I didn't want to hurt anybody. But I needed him off me. Off my back. Out of my life and the only way to do that was to make him too busy to come after me.

By 1:00 AM, I was outside, walking through the cold. Venice was quiet except for the leftover fireworks and the occasional car rolling by too slow to be innocent. Streetlights flickered like they were tired of trying. I kept my hood up, hands shoved deep in my pockets. The notebook was tucked under my arm, wrapped in a plastic grocery bag to keep it dry. I didn't want anyone seeing it. Not yet. It was a lot on my mind but I pulled my phone out. I called the last person I thought I'd call. Once i dialed the number i waited a few times before the guy on the other end of the line answered.

"Hey man, what's up?" He said. "You calling me this late, you good?"

"I'm good Kash, just a lot on my mind." I told him. "Hey can you do me a favor?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Could you try and get ahold of Dante for me and tell him to meet me at Bloody Island in East St. Louis?"

"I could try and see." He said.

"Please, I really need you to do this for me man."

"Alright, I'll see what I can do. I'll call you back if I get ahold of him." He told me.

I waited for about 20 minutes then around 1:20am I got a call from kash again.

"Hey I talked to him and he told me to tell you he'll meet you there in 30 minutes." He told me.

"Thanks man i really appreciate it."

"No problem." He told me. "You be safe man. I'll talk to you soon, later."

I got myself together and around 1:30am i hoped on my Moped and headed down to Bloody Island. It took me about 15 minutes to get there. I waited for Dante to show up. Around 10 minutes later Dante showed up.

"Damn, Damon. Thought you fell off the map."

I shrugged. "Been busy."

He studied me. Dante wasn't stupid — he could read people like labels on a bottle.

"You look like trouble," he said.

"I need your help," I replied.

He raised an eyebrow. "That confirms it."

I walked up to him and tried to place the notebook in his hand, he didn't touch it at first. He just stared at it like it might explode.

"What's this?"

"Insurance," I said. "Against Alex."

Dante's expression changed.

"You still dealing with that dude?"

"He's dealing with me," I said. "He started all of this. I tried getting away from his brother lee. Now look i took care of Lee." I told him. "At this point I'm just trying to stay alive. Now look Dante i'll be real with you, you already know what happened with Lee, now i don't want to kill again but if I have to I will and I won't think twice about it."

Dante finally opened the notebook. His eyes scanned the pages, widening with every line.

"Damon... this is—"

"I know what it is."

"This could get you killed."

"It could also get Alex off my back."

Dante closed the notebook slowly.

"You want me to spread this?"

"Not all of it," I said. "Just enough to make people think Alex's crew got leaks. Enough to make him paranoid. Distracted. Too busy watching his own people to come after me."

Dante leaned back, rubbing his chin.

"You're playing a dangerous game."

"I'm done playing," I said. "This is survival."

He looked at me for a long moment, then nodded.

"Alright. I'll do it. But you need to lay low."

"I've been laying low," I said. "Didn't help. Look at what happened with Vonte and his family." I said.

Dante sighed. "You're not the same kid you were a year ago." He looked at me. "You've changed a lot, you've grown into a bright young man, you're trying to change. I got your back." He told me. "Alright i got to get back into the city. Reach out to me when you can, alright?"

"Alright i will. Oh and Dante, can you let Jahmelle, Tyrone and Vonte know i'm doing okay?"

"Alright i will."

We gave each other a bro hug and he got in his car and he left. I waited a few minutes then i hopped back on my Moped and headed back down to my safe house. I took a different direction and got back there about 20 minutes later. Once i got back home I stood on my safehouse porch for a second and thought about so much.

Jahmelle's advice.

Vonte's jokes.

Tyrone's tough love.

My mother's voice.

I cut them all off because I didn't want Alex touching them. But maybe I cut them off because I didn't want them seeing what I'd become. A kid who watched people from the shadows. A kid who wrote down secrets. A kid who was planning to take down a gang leader without ever throwing a punch. A kid who was tired of being scared.

"Happy New Year," I muttered to no one.

Then I went inside, locked the door, and waited for the storm I'd just created. Because Alex was going to feel the pressure soon. And when he did, he'd come looking for answers. And for the first time in my life... I'd be ready.

End Of Chapter 35