Listen, Obey

32. Thirty-Second Lesson

A/N Second update in one day, make sure you read chapter 31 first. 

I was falling apart. Right there in the fitting room. Perhaps it was the confined space, the illusion of privacy. I was falling apart and there was nothing I could do to help myself put the pieces back together.

Why the hell had I seen that swing? Why couldn't I forget about my memories? Why couldn't I leave it all behind me? I had fled for so long, but it was never enough. It always caught up with me at one point or another.

The answer was simple. No one, not even I, had forgiven myself for what had happened. Few knew. My mother and father had put a lid on the entire thing, telling everyone that it was an accident while looking at me with an open threat in their eyes. They blamed me, but they decided not to tell anyone since that would be a worse disgrace to bear. Not only had their child died, their other one was responsible.

A soft knock sounded on the door. I didn't care.

"Ethan, are you still in there?"

Matthews.

I wanted to shout at him to leave me the hell alone, but Tilia might be out there with him and I didn't want her to hear me saying such things. She didn't deserve my anger.

The hinges squeaked as he slowly opened the door. I continued to hide my face, scraping my short fingernails into my scalp. The pain was a relief.

Then, all of a sudden, Matthews' hand touched my shoulder. The other hand gently caressed my right wrist, begging me to show me just how damaged I was. He wanted all of it. He wanted to see my fucking pain and revel in it.

Angry, I let my hands fall and stared at him, daring him to look at me.

He didn't say a word. Instead, he fell to his knees, taking my hands in his. "What's going on?" He sounded worried. Maybe he was, but he wasn't more worried about me than he was about that damn sub of his.

"Stop it, Ethan, whatever you're thinking. Just stop. Tell me what's going on."

"Stop sounding like you care."

His hands tightened around mine. "I do care. I care too much. All I fucking do right now is care, and you're just—"

"Save it."

"Save it for what? I can't deal with seeing you in pain and know that I can't do anything about it."

I narrowed my eyes. "Well, you can't fix this. I'm not someone you'd want to fix."

Matthews squeezed my hands again. He wasn't happy about this. It was written all over his face and his tense shoulders. But, I wasn't finished.

"Also, who gave you the fucking right? I feel like that's all I am to you. Someone to fix. Well, guess what, I'm not doing this. I'm not even considering you and me. I stayed because of Tilia. Not. YOU." I didn't care if anyone heard. I was out of control, and I knew it.

I could hear how Matthews drew in a deep breath. His eyes were closed. When he opened them, I looked away. Whatever was going on between us was too much to handle for me.

His hands dropped mine, but they weren't done. One cupped my cheek, the other one my shoulder. "You're right about one thing. We're not doing this. I won't let you go, Ethan. Maybe you're also right that I'm trying to fix you, but god-damn-it, how can I not try to do something when you're in pain. It's like watching Tilia when she weeps because of that awful mother she has. I want to take the pain away. Is that wrong of me?"

I shoved him away. He was doing it again. Couldn't he understand that I was nothing—that we stood no chance?

However, he kept to his word. He didn't let me go. Embraced, I let unwanted tears fall on the collar of his shirt. I couldn't hold them at bay as his arms wrapped me tight to his chest. "We're going home, and I promise I'll end my contract with Vidar tonight. You need me more, even if you lie through your teeth to make me believe that you don't."

The Domme who had called me pathetic that night at the club was right all along. No matter how hard I fought, I caved when someone offered me comfort. Again and again I listened to those who said they gave a damn, but every time I ended up back where I belonged. Alone. Yet, with his warmth enveloping me, I wasn't strong enough to push him away.

"You're worth something to me, Ethan. I care. And even if I know you can take care of yourself, I want to be there for you."

I almost scoffed. I wasn't very good at taking care of myself, and he knew that. It was just a lie to make me feel better.

"I don't know what I was thinking with Vidar. Honestly," he continued.

With every word he said, he confused me further. I wanted to say that I still needed time away from him, because that wasn't a lie. I might have lied about a lot of stuff, even to myself, but the truth was that Matthews was too much for me to handle. I lost myself in my emotions around him. I felt too much when he looked at me and when he touched me. How could I ever gain independence and sanity if he was always there? If I relied on his strength, I would never find myself.

"It doesn't matter," I said instead. It was too difficult to explain everything I felt and thought.

"Stop saying those words. We promised no lies."

"We lie all the time."

"No, you lie. I don't lie." His hands rubbed soothing circles along my back as if to tell me that I was forgiven for all those lies. That was a lie in itself.

"Whatever." I didn't want to argue. I was tired of arguing about every single thing.

"We're going home. I'll deal with the contract tonight as well as your items, and then if you feel up for it tomorrow, we can go back here and find you a job."

I pulled back, and this time he allowed it. Rubbing one or two tears away from my cheek, I sat back against the chair and tried to collect myself.

"You know nothing about me."

Perhaps those words came out of nowhere for him, but to me they were important. He didn't know how damaged I was, and if he ever found out, he would stop caring about what happened to me. It was just a matter of time. My past haunted me, and it would haunt us both.

"I know enough right now. The rest you can tell me later." He brushed hair away from my face and gave me a soft smile. "Let's find Tilia. I left her with that assistant, and I bet she's bored by now." He stood up and offered his hand.

I was weak for giving in, but I placed mine in his and followed him out. I followed him, and like always I wasn't sure where he would lead me, but the scariest part was that I considered going with him despite of that.

He paused outside the booth, turned around and touched my lips with his. It wasn't hurried. It was as if he asked me if this was acceptable. Maybe it shouldn't have been, but I stood no chance.

I was falling for this idiot, and that tore down every resistance I had.