Listen, Obey

36. Thirty-Sixth Lesson

What had I been thinking? How could I dream of resting in Matthews' arms when I didn't deserve him? I should be far away from this family, as far away as possible.

My breathing picked up. Slowly at first, but when my panic failed to dissipate, I knew what was coming. Fast pants left my lips in bursts. I hated when that happened. I hated to lose control of myself and my thoughts, especially in front of someone I dreaded to show any kind of weakness.

The room began to swirl, so I closed my eyes, locking myself away in darkness.

"Ethan, calm down." I heard Matthews' voice, but the sound came from far away—like an echo distorted by a deep water column.

He shook my shoulder. "Ethan, can you hear me?"

I nodded.

"Do you trust me?"

Did I? Yes. I did. I nodded again.

"Tilia, go put on a movie upstairs, sweetie. I'll take care of Ethan." His voice was still miles away, but I heard Tilia's light footsteps touch the carpet as she left without a word.

Calm down, I told myself, but it didn't work.

"I'm going to wrap you in a blanket, Ethan. There's no need to struggle."

I didn't respond. No need to struggle, he had said, but that was easy to say for him. Easy in theory, next to impossible in practice. My body ached to lash out and get rid of the building tension.

My eyes flew open as he pressed my back down on the soft couch, but seeing the worried frown on his forehead took the fight right out of me. I stilled and watched him as he found a blanket and wrapped me into its tight confines. Constricting. Straitjacket. What the hell was he doing?

Matthews must have caught on to my anger. "Don't think, just calm down. You can get out of this if you want, it's just to keep you embraced."

I tried to listen, tried to do what he instructed. He was right. It was a simple blanket, not something designed to keep me restrained.

"Close your eyes."

This time I didn't fight his command.

Oddly enough, after an unknown amount of time, my breathing calmed. Breath by breath, I found my way back with the help of Matthews' soothing caress. His hands traveled across my body in slow circles. Shoulder to hip, hip to chest, chest to shoulder.

"Better?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Do you remember what I said about honesty?"

I did, but I wasn't ready to talk about any of this with anyone. If he asked me what caused the attack, I would have no choice but to lie if he pressed for an answer. Even so, I nodded.

"I will back track through our conversation, and I want you to answer yes or no to my questions."

Keeping my eyes closed, I nodded again, this time reluctantly.

"I talked about you spoiling Tilia, and I said it was alright. Did that make you uncomfortable."

"No."

"Good. However, I took it one step further and said something about you someday having more responsibility of raising her. Did that make you uncomfortable?"

I wanted to curse him. Simple questions, innocent questions, but how could I possibly explain.

"You don't have to answer."

He knew. I could hear it in the tone of his voice. I would have panicked again if not for the silence and his soothing hands still at work. A wave of gratitude flushed the lingering traces of panic aside.