Listen, Obey

17. Seventeenth Lesson

“Y-you don’t know?”

Matthews looked away and continued to stir the chili. His body language asked me to step away from the question and just leave, but our conversation felt incomplete. I didn’t want to leave him when he looked like so lost.

I stepped closer and placed my hand on his arm before thinking. It was meant as a comforting gesture, something to show that I felt with him, and that I was there. He seemed just as alone as Tilia, and I hadn’t expected that.

He froze, and it felt like I had burned my hand on his skin. I snatched it away and left the kitchen in a rush. It was incredibly stupid of me. Things had been going okay, and now I was back to a trembling mess, unsure of everything around me.

Pushing him had to be the worst thing I could do, especially since I knew nothing about him. I wasn’t his friend, I was no-one. I didn’t have the right to touch him.

I took the stairs, two at a time, and made my way to Tilia. Unaware of what was going on, she smiled and patted the seat next to her.

“You’re back!” she chirped, and studied me carefully. “Didn’t you bring candy?” Her smile died.

I tried to focus on what she said, repeating her words in my mind. I couldn’t freak out in front of her; I had to hold it together.

“Dinner will be ready soon, so we can’t have candy, right?” I kept my tone as casual as I could, hoping that she wouldn’t realize that something was wrong. She didn’t need to see my uncomfort.

Pouting, she leaned back in the sofa. “Then why were you gone?”

“I talked with your daddy.”

“Okay.” She didn’t seem convinced, but she looked back at the screen. I could see that she was thinking hard on something, but as soon as something new happened in the film, her troubled thoughts seemed to evaporate. I wish it were that easy for me. Instead I sat there thinking, trying to keep my breathing even. Matthews was getting under my skin, and I couldn’t keep him out. I was vulnerable.

I shouldn’t have touched him.

My body grew rigid in the sofa as I heard Matthews’ footsteps coming up the stairs. I wasn’t ready to face him; it was too soon.

“Daddy, can I have candy?” Tilia asked as soon as Matthews stepped inside the room.

“Sweetie, dinner will be ready soon, so you can’t have candy now.”

Matthews’ voice, with its warm yet unyielding timbre, made it all much worse. I didn’t understand how it could affect me so much, but it had, from the very first time we met. It rolled like a wave, sure and filled with direction. My eyes drifted toward him on their own, and as they met their target, I wanted nothing more than to run.

His posture was stiff, and he seemed to be towering above me—like he had in the office the night after he took me away from Mistress Jenna. He wasn’t even looking at me this time, but I felt his presence just as acutely. I pulled my eyes away to stare at the TV, afraid that he would catch me staring.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to drive you home safely tonight, Ethan.”

It shouldn’t have come as a shock, because I already knew it was a lost game already, but it still felt like someone threw a bucket of ice-cold water over me. Perhaps it was because he said it with such finality this time around.

“Okay,” I replied. I wanted to say something else, but I couldn’t find the words. In my mind, I said that I could walk back to town, but that was the old Ethan talking. In my past, I would have walked out the door without saying, but if I was honest to myself, I wouldn’t have been here to begin with—so the point was moot to begin with.