Listen, Obey

10. Tenth Lesson

“I-I can’t.”

 She was too innocent, too pure. I would soil her by my mere presence. Her bright eyes wouldn’t shine like that; her smile wouldn’t be so wide if I came too close. It wasn’t right. Didn’t they just see how unstable I was? I had attacked Matthews, and two minutes ago I was on my way to attack Lisa. I wasn’t accountable.

“You won’t be alone in the house with her,” Matthews replied. He wasn’t touching me anymore, and for some reason it made me feel alone and vulnerable regardless of what he said. I was an island: unsure of myself and shaking within. I wanted to be normal; I wanted to work and get my life back together, but this was too much.

I was an island, but I was drowning.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Matthews adjusted his hold on Tilia and smiled toward her. “Do you think Ethan should come home with us and watch a movie?”

The girl nodded excitedly and turned her big blue eyes in my direction. “You sit with Hannah, then you not afraid.”

Matthews just smiled without offering me an explanation to what she just said. I wanted to ask who Hannah was, but I didn’t know how. I had never been around children.

I shook my head. What was he thinking? I had to be the worst candidate for babysitting in this city. In the corner of my eye, I saw Lisa shifting. I had almost forgotten about her.

“Tell him I can’t do this,” I pleaded to her.

“I think it might be a good idea if someone is there with you. You won’t be alone with her, Ethan.”

“Then why do I need to be there at all?” It didn’t make sense.

Matthews cleared his throat. “Because I can’t entertain her while I’m working from home, and the nanny had to leave suddenly. I do need your help, Ethan.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” I replied.

Matthews didn’t seem fazed in the least; he simply smiled and gave his daughter a kiss on her forehead. “Come watch a movie with her, and then we can go from there.”

I wanted to ask ‘Why are you doing this?’ again, but I also didn’t want to push him. I slouched and looked at Lisa. She should know better even if Matthews didn’t. He didn’t know of my time in the clinic; he didn’t know of my history, but she did. She knew almost every single excruciating detail of my past.

Her eyes betrayed her worry, but she didn’t say anything.

“Lisa, don’t let him make this mistake.”

She didn’t reply.

“Ethan, this isn’t up to Lisa,” Matthews interjected.

“I can’t take care of her.” It was the truth.

“Can’t or won’t?”

Matthews stare bore into me, and it felt like I was crumbling. Tiny flakes of myself scattered on the ground beneath me. Why couldn’t he just listen?

“I can’t.”

“Ethan.” Lisa put her hand on my shoulder, and I stared at it—confused. “You can, with help,” she added with emphasis. “Besides, you need stability, and a job will give you that. Plus, it seems like a safe environment. If you want, I’ll come with you the first time.” She looked at Matthews and he nodded in approval.

They had me in a head-lock. I could feel it.

Closing my eyes, I recited all the reasons why this would fail.

“Stop over-thinking this,” Matthews said. His voice was firm, and I knew it was the voice he would use in a scene with someone. It sent a shiver down my spine, but not a nice one. I didn’t want this; I didn’t want anyone to dictate my life. It was a silly dream, an infatuation with a thought, nothing more. I would never become a sub, I wasn’t that sort of person. I thought I was, but when the orders didn’t fit what I wanted, I had no wish to follow.

I felt grounded in that thought, as if it was the missing link in my mind. I didn’t have to listen; I didn’t have to take his orders. Squaring my shoulders, I met his gaze.

“Stop trying to decide what’s best for me.”

A brief smile appeared on his lips, and I lost my focus. He wasn’t supposed to smile like that. I expected him to become angry, not pleased.

“I’m not your Dominant, Ethan, but you sure know how to press my buttons.” He didn’t even blink, he just kept his eyes on mine, and I couldn’t look away. “It’s simple, so don’t over-think it. I need a babysitter, urgently, and I have a good feeling about you. Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know, but I usually follow what my gut tells me. All I ask is that you come with us and spend two hours with my daughter. After that it’s up to you if you want to stay.”

He made it all sound so simple. It wasn’t simple—it was difficult.

Lisa squeezed my shoulder. “I’ll come with you, Ethan, so let’s just…keep an open mind, shall we?”

I could hear that she wasn’t convinced. She didn’t think I could make it.

A flare of anger shot up inside me at that thought. My eyes flitted over to hers, and all of a sudden my worry and fear switched to pure determination. I would show her. For the first time since I started treatment, she didn’t think I could do it. Just like Matthews wasn’t allowed to dictate what I did, she wasn’t allowed to dictate what I couldn’t do.

“I’ll do it.”

Matthews gave me a nod and a small smirk that told me he knew exactly what was going on. I didn’t like it, but I put on my jacket either way.