Listen, Obey

15. Fifteenth Lesson

I didn’t know what to do with myself. Matthews lounged in the plush chair, Tilia was sleeping, and I was so restless that my pacing soon would wear down their hardwood floor. I kept thinking about the box, and how I would cope with sleeping here if the roads didn’t clear up. There was nothing strange with staying over, especially considering the snow-storm, but the tension between Matthews and I was getting out of hand.

Despite my previous observation that he didn’t seem to notice what was going on between us, I couldn’t really believe it. He had to feel something. At least he should be able to pick up the signals I was sending his way. I didn’t mean to send him signals, but it was inevitable at this point. Regardless of how much I tried to keep my body language in check, I still gave away the game.

I was also driven to restlessness by the conflict that tension arose within me. I had been attracted to guys now and then before, but I always thought I was still more or less hetero. Right now, I didn’t think I could think of a woman’s body without morphing it into Matthews form. It was disconcerting.

The sky was dark grey outside, softly lit up by the city. The snow was still falling, but not with the same intensity as before. It was peaceful, and as I stood there gazing out across the forest, my nerves started to settle. Perhaps it wasn’t too bad to be out here for a while. I couldn’t get hold of drugs out here. Sam couldn’t reach me—at least not right now—and the snow seemed to dampen not only sounds, but also the craving for a numbing hit.

I wish I understood why I didn’t care for drugs at this very moment, as it usually was the only thing occupying my mind when I wasn’t focusing on something in particular. Thinking about fencing what might be hidden in that box wasn’t so much about buying new drugs; rather, I wanted to get rid of Sam. I wanted to start fresh.

At St. Mary’s clinic, they’d told me that moving to an entirely new city would be better for me, but I just couldn’t stand the unfamiliarity of a new place. I wanted to know which streets held danger, and which streets were safe. But now I could see their point. Even if I wanted to let go of my past, there were people in this city to remind me that I would never get away, not for real.

I was their prisoner now: they held me in the prison I once built for myself, but that I wanted to leave. If I didn’t give Sam the money I apparently owed him, I would wake up with a knife in my chest—or not wake up at all. I knew how he worked, and these days it appalled me how I had once been okay with that. Sam had saved my ass plenty of times on the street, but it all came for a prize.

Certain periods of my past were hazy, and the times spent with Sam and his friends were some of the worst. It was as if I didn’t even want to remember what had happened. Perhaps it was to protect myself, but it might also be that I had been so high that I hadn’t really been there at all.

“Ethan, would you like some tea?”

I startled at the sound of Matthews voice. I had completely forgotten about him while I traveled among my memories. He chuckled, probably as a response to my reaction.

“Tea?” Who offered tea nowadays?

“Yes, a cup of tea.” He broke his intense stare and started to flip through a magazine.

I wanted to ask him if there would be food included, or just a hot drink. My stomach was nagging me to eat something, but I felt too embarrassed to ask for a meal. I concluded that at warm drink would be better than nothing, even if it meant that I had to spend more time with Matthews.

“Yes, please.” I tried my polite voice, but I wasn’t sure how it came out. To my ears it sounded like a pitiful attempt at being civil. I didn’t do civil—or at least I hadn’t done it for many years.

During my time at the clinic, Lisa had tried to include some more polite words in my standard vocabulary, but it wasn’t without difficulty. I had to really press myself to use words that felt foreign on my tongue. I knew what they meant of course, it was just that they seemed to belong to someone else. They were somehow reserved for law-abiding citizens.

Matthews rose from the sofa. “I’ll get to it then. What would you like to eat?”

My stomach made a purring sound, and I prayed that he hadn’t heard it across the room. He stopped in the doorway to wait for my reply. I cringed, not comfortable with asking for anything—especially as I didn’t know what was okay to ask for and what wasn’t.

“I don’t know.” It was a lame reply, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“I’ll make us some sandwiches. You must be starving so we better recharge with some food before we make dinner.”

The thought of dinner hadn’t struck me even if I was hungry. I’d gotten used to eating regularly at the clinic, but once on the outside I had reverted back to eating when I remembered to eat, which wasn’t very often. Lisa always nudged me and said that I was skin and bones. Sometimes I liked her, sometimes I didn’t. We had an awkward relationship. Being my supervisor, she had a lot of power in my life until I was able to stand on my own two feet without support.

A few minutes later, Matthews entered the living room again, carrying a tray laden with sandwiches, two cups of tea and a glass of milk.

“Why don’t you wake up sleeping beauty, I think she’s slept long enough.” He nodded towards Tilia.

Before I had time to think and second guess a single thing, I fell to my knees beside Tilia and shook her gently. She stirred and blinked open her eyes.

“Ethan?” Her voice was like a mild caress, sweet and filled with sleep. I smiled, because I hadn’t thought she would remember my name directly after sleeping like that. Her big blue eyes looked completely trusting, as if I was something pure rather than defiled. It was disarming, and my chest ached.

I didn’t understand why. Not until I realized that it was something new rather than something being taken away. I was used to people ripping me apart and taking pieces of me to scatter in the wind. But here she was, smiling without a care in the world, unaware of my past, and giving me a part of herself.

No-one had dispelled my loneliness like that before.

No-one. 

A/N Oh yes, I just revealed a big chunk of Ethan's past with a few more words and a bit clearer than I've done before. I know that many of you already knew most of this from reading in between the lines, but I felt like putting it out there. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and if you did, I'd love to hear your thoughts. xox Avy