The Story of Tikay-Marie

Staying

"Tikay?"

I was sitting on my bed and staring out the large window to the left of me, below that window in the corner was a fabric chair. It was bright clear day, so I figured that I'd let the sun light up my room. My room had white walls, a white bed with white sheets in the center of the room and a plain white desk to the right of me against the corner wall along with a wooden easel in the left corner. Across from my bed, was a closet. To the left of the closet, I had my own bathroom. I wore a white tank top and white cargo pants. I hated the hospital wear. Johnson was sitting on my desk reading his favorite book, Scary Stories To Tell in the Dark. If I - in his words - misbehave, I'll have one of the stories replaying in my head all night but, with his own demented twists.

"Tikay." she said again. "We have to begin your session for the day."

I got up to answer open my door but before I did I looked around the room it needed to be fixed up a bit. I had colored pencils, brushes, cups of tinted water and paint, papers and canvases everywhere. "Five minutes, Ms. Sheppardson." I began to pick my art utensils up and I looked at Johnson. He looked up from his book and smiled at me while sliding up his glasses. I laughed at him.

"What are you laughing at?" he asked as he got up from the desk.

"Why are you wearing reading glasses? You're an element of my mind. You don't need glasses." I responded putting my supplies in my desk. I placed one of the finished paintings on the easel.

"I'm such a strong entity, that I can display to you your future. You are going to need glasses soon." he pronounced. I doubt that is correct.

"You're lying." I retaliated as I fixed my bed.

"Yeah. I noticed you're starting to squint when you are watching TV in the rec room so, I'm giving you a subliminal message." he explained truthfully getting back on my desk.

"Well, thank you." I chuckled while opening the door. "Hi, Sheppards. I was just trying to organize the room a bit." I greeted her as she walked through the door.

"New piece." she pointed towards the easel.

"Yup."

She continued to walk around the room. She stopped at my desk and did this spin until she was facing me again. "Well... let's get started." Sheppards had sat in the fabric chair and I had sat on my freshly made bed. Johnson walked over to me and took a seat on my bed as well.

"Is he in the room?" Sheppards asked me.

"Yes, he is sitting right next to me. He can stay this time."

"Ok." she smiled. "Tikay, are you 100% that you have made the right decision?"

"Yes. I want to stay." I took a deep breath through my nose. " I know that when I first arrived, I was just so broken. I hated it here. I hated everyone for locking me in a room with something that had been haunting me my whole life. In a room with no escape. You know.. he wasn't even there. I didn't see him for the first 3 months. That's why I took the medication." I turned to Johnson, "You weren't there to watch me or torture me. I felt safe."

"That was the plan. I wanted to get you in here. I left you alone for a bit so you can unwind and get the hang of things before returning." Johnson chuckled. I was shocked he told me this now.

"What did he say?" Sheppards asked. I repeated what he had said back to her. "What plan?"

"Yeah, what plan?" I asked him. As he spoke I repeated it. "'To get Tikay alone. To have my friend back. Only way to do that was to have everyone think she was crazy and needed help.' He is saying it with such confidence. When he came back he was the same guy I spoke to when I was 5. He was bright and warm. Welcoming. He smiled a lot more and tried to persuade me to talk to him but I didn't." Six months into my stay, I realized the pattern. I proceeded to tell Shep my findings. "Every time, I made a new friend or something there was a punishment. I spoke to a boy in Kindergarten for at least a minute and he pushed me off the roof of the jungle gym. After TEN YEARS, of not speaking, he almost pushed me off a building. ANOTHER SEVEN AND HE JUST COMPLETELY RUINS MY LIFE." I looked at him again and he wasn't showing his pearly whites. "You did all this because of jealousy.This is the ultimate punishment." I stated. He just nodded his head. I laughed and wiped the tears that began to fall.

"Tikay, another thing you must come to terms with is the fact that this is something in your head. So what if he follows you around or whispers to you now and the-"

"BUT IT'S MORE THEN A WHISPER. IT'S MORE THEN HIM FOLLOWING ME AROUND. I'm with him until the day I die." I interrupted Sheppards.

"I can't sugar coat anymore. Tikay, you are a bright young girl with so much ahead of herself. You were born with Depression and your mind couldn't cope with it so it created something to distract and take the blame for anything you have negatively done. From your old records it seems you personified it. At first it was an imaginary friend but from the files your old therapist sent me, it was more then that to you. You developed schizophrenia. Johnson is apart of your mind. He isn't here at all. Everything that has happened, you used Johnson as a scapegoat. You couldn't get used to a school environment when you were 5 it was too much. You couldn't get it together in Chicago so you isolated yourself and when the depression hit you hard. You climbed that railing."

"Then how did I end up here." I asked Sheppards. I looked to Johnson again and he was just gray and dismal. He wasn't paying attention, he looked as if he was somewhere else.

"You couldn't do adult life either. Work, bills, grocery shopping, meetings, deadlines. It just overwhelmed you. You wanted to be left alone." There was a pregnant pause.

I was still staring at Johnson and I saw it. The depression that Sheppards was talking about. Ever since I was a baby I made him into this person that was supposed to be happy. When I got older and my depression got serious, so did he. When I moved to Chicago, when I moved to Seattle and when I first got my job, I was feeling overwhelmed and Johnson arrived looking like death because that's what I was feeling. I can't leave. "I'm staying. Apparently, I can't do anything without feeling overwhelmed. Thank you, Sheppards, for telling me cause now you made it more clear that I have to stay. I rather stay in this facility with Johnson. Besides, I've been here for 3 years so far and it has been the greatest I've ever felt."

"So you're going to forget all of the progress you've made to stay and play with this character you developed?" she asked somewhat shocked and confused.

" Yeah. There is no telling what will happen if I get overwhelmed again. I rather be in the rec room playing a game, watching TV or having quiet time with something that can distract me then to be out there with something really dark and demonizing."