The End

Chapter 36: Reputations, Feelings, and Families

There was a nervousness in Patrick's stomach that he couldn't quite shake. Jillian hadn't sounded like herself the last few times he had called her. It was almost as if she suspected something. Though he didn't have the slightest idea what had made her suspicious. 

He had planned on an undetected trip, flying in to meet with Charlotte Goldwyn and surprise Ellen. The Disney legend call had complicated things and foiled his plans. His pivot involved stopping in to see Jillian and celebrating their Disney legend success. 

The recipe of distance, excitement and intention was a nauseating one. Not to mention fear of what he was walking into. He hoped that if Jill was suspecting something that she'd be distracted enough by the news to let it settle. 

Jillian was on the phone in the kitchen when he pulled in the driveway. He walked in with a light friendly smile. "I'm sorry," she said to whoever was on the other line. "Patrick just walked in. I'll call you back."

She stood immediately to greet him, wrapping her arms around him sweetly. He half hugged her, worried that even after a shower he'd still smell like Ellen. "Hi,"  he pulled away quickly. "Did you get the call about the Disney event?"

"What call?" Jill asked with confusion just as her phone rang.

He pointed to it, "that one probably." 

The timing could not have been more perfect. She laughed and reached to answer it. "Hello," she stepped to excuse herself so he wouldn't have to sit quietly.

The strangest feeling fluttered through Patrick as he glanced around his house.  It suddenly felt foreign. He wasn't sure if it was because he'd been working out of the country for so long or if it was because he knew he was weeks away from not living here anymore. Either way, it didn't feel like home.

It was hard to believe that less than a year ago he was settled into a totally different life. One where he was somewhat happily married, mostly retired, and far from reconnecting with Ellen. But if he was honest with himself she'd never fully left his heart, even if she'd left his mind for a few years.

For a fleeting moment he wondered what it would be like. How would his kids handle the divorce. They were older now. All on the brink of adulthood. Would they accept this new chapter? Would Jillian find someone else? He would always love Jill. She was the mother of his children. The thought of her meeting someone else felt like a relief. Maybe in some distant future they could all be a family.

Be the parents that could coexist at family events and holidays. A heaviness hit. That couldn't exist if he didn't handle leaving the way he was supposed to. Perhaps they shouldn't tell her everything.

Jill returned to the room with a smile, "Did you set this up?"

Patrick laughed, "I had nothing to do with it." He took a beat, "I think they chose you before the chose me."

"Wow," she smiled happily. "This is great Patrick. I'm excited for you. I'm excited to be involved."

"Yeah," he nodded, "Me too."  Jillian was quiet, but she didn't turn from him. He felt his heart race, her eyes studying his face. He was suddenly concerned that there was some trace of Ellen on him. A piece of her hair, a streak of her lipstick. Or had his tone been too apprehensive. "I know, I look terrible," he tried to change the subject. "Interested in making me a coffee."

"Of course," she smiled, her thoughts falling away.

He settled in a chair near the counter. They had shared moments like this for a decade. The complexities of life seemed to swirl through him. She was his wife, the mother of his children, the woman that stood by him before Derek Shepherd was even a thought. For a long time, loving her felt right. Until he met Ellen, and then everything else paled in comparison. 

Falling in love with Ellen was the easiest and hardest thing he'd ever done. No one tells you that love comes with impossible complications. That the heart chooses without permission. The very essence of who he was conflicted by a love so true, so pure, so real.  A bitter sweet truth that having that kind of love meant sacrificing everything else.

They had tried to avoid that very thing. In hopes they could spare reputations, feelings, and families. But he could never find it. It didn't exist.  Instead he let the years slip by like sand in an hourglass. Stuck on the pipe dream that he could love her without uprooting their lives. Or that he could continue on with his life without loving her. 

When he'd been faced with what life looked like without her and offered a second chance, he'd come to terms with that sacrifice. Reputations had stopped mattering, feelings could be mended and families eventually redefined. She was a risk he was willing to take. He knew he'd regret staying far more than he'd regret leaving but coming home to his wife never got easier.

He stood to shake off the emotion and paced to the refrigerator. Patrick reached to pull the eggs from the fridge, shifting a few other items in his path. 

Jill turned on their media center in the kitchen as she fiddle with her espresso machine. Some entertainment news outlet rattled something off in the background. "Why are we watching this?" he laughed setting his collection of breakfast items on the counter near the stove.

"Maybe they'll announce something about the event," she passed him a full cup and returned her focus to make a second one,  "A Disney legend is a big deal Patrick..."

"It's too soon for that," he said hoping it was and they wouldn't announce Ellen too was being honored.

Jillian laughed, "I'll turn it," she reached to change it and froze.

"Chris Ivery's infidelity strikes again." The news anchor echoed through the now silent kitchen. "A sex tape leaked early this morning, featuring him and up-and-coming 23-year-old pop artist Beks. The video has been circulating fast, and sources say it was likely shot during the COVID lockdown era."