i think i understood
it was getting bad again
when i fell asleep late.
i couldn't get out of bed,
staring at the ceiling
became my favorite past time.
i made up scenarios' in my head,
where i was happier.
blasting music in my ears,
to drown out the voices in my mind,
a constant flood of thoughts
flowing through my head.
my dreams became an escape,
and nightmares are a punishment.
tears ran down my cheeks,
no sign of ever stopping,
just kept going and going
until i was back to feeling empty.
meant to rot,
in this place, that i call home,
in this body, that i hate to call mine,
in this mind, that never seems to like me at all.
i'm tired of feeling like i'm falling apart
i'm tired of sucking my stomach in,
i'm tired of trying to fit in,
i'm tired of being quiet,
i'm tired of existing,
i'm tired of life,
i'm tired of myself,
i'm tired.
"you were a mistake"
i didn't ask to be born.
if i had a choice in this life;
i'd ask to not be.
"you're fat"
i laugh and nod.
"yeah, i know."
but your words ring in my head,
and i look at all
the pictures i ever took,
and erase them.
did you really have to say that?
i wish i could tell you i'm okay,
without having to think about it.
i look at my hands
and fidget with my ring,
trying not to cry.
