Temporary Nanny

Chapter 21

The first day without Stella and Michael goes 50 times worst than I could have ever imagined. I'm constantly having to remind myself not to go over, erase that text, do not push that call button.

Hell I made it halfway out the door before realizing what I was doing and where I was going.

Michael's not making it any easier. He calls and texts and calls and texts in rotation on an endless loop. Which would be absolutely fine if they were about Stella.

However, they were not about Stella. Instead, they were a lot of sorry and I can't do this alone and please come over. But I was staying strong. This is what we need. This is what he and Beatrice need. This is all for the best in the end.

At least that's what I've been telling myself.

I wish my body and emotions would get the memo my brain has been trying to get across. I wish I didn't feel so miserable. Like I was missing a part of me that left I feeling exhausted no matter how many hot showers I took or hours of sleep I got.

Maybe part of me was missing. A huge part actually. A part that happened to be hollow without the two people I spent everyday with.

A part that belonged solely to the Cliffords.

The day drags on incredibly slow and nothing seems to go my way. I'm distracted at work and can't for the life me get my fingers to type out what I'm meant to be typing out.

I'm on edge and stop to check the time every so often with thoughts of Stella should have a feeding right now, Food Networks showing Stel's favorite show, Stella should be waking up from her nap now - it's an endless loop of Stella's usual schedule.

The second day, despite having hopes it would go slightly easier, actually gets harder. I walk up to my front door 10 times in the morning alone before talking myself out of it and distracting myself with something else. This continues throughout the day as I worry and long for the apartment next door.

By the fifth day I'm restless. I haven't slept since the first day so I'm cranky and just need to see Stella. I don't know how to do that though because I wasn't supposed to be seeing Michael who I was also yearning to see.

That's the thing. I know if I give in and see Stella I'm going to want, and really, have to see Michael.

Michael who has a girlfriend. Michael who is supposed to be making things work with said girlfriend. Michael who I unfortunately caught feelings for.

I pace and pace and pace, Sarah meowing at me from the couch while I try to shake the urge of contacting Michael.

Of course I give in, sending him a quick text of What's Stella up to? It's not what I want to send.

What I want to send are string of texts somewhere along the lines of how is Stella? Is she talking? Is she okay? Has she eaten? Is she napping? Sleeping through the night? Does she seem like she misses me? Do you miss me? A text chimes from my phone as the screen lights up.

Just woke up from her nap, the text reads which is odd because the times 4:40 in the afternoon and Stella's naps are usually only from 11am - 1:30pm at the latest. I chew the inside of my cheek, my heart racing nervously though I'm not really sure why.

This was Michael. My Michael.

We were talking about Stella. The baby who throws a fit every time we're apart.

Maybe that's why I'm feeling like this. Maybe it wasn't nerves but instead, just a load of worry and guilt for not being with them.

Can I see her for a bit? I hesitate over the send button, worrying maybe he'll say no. I don't know what I'd do if he did.