Temporary Nanny

Chapter 26

Everything is static sound and I'm trying to focus on my breathing. Where do we go from here? What does this mean? Why is Michael sitting on the cushion next to his mother acting as if this is normal.

As if his daughter isn't calling me - the nanny - mama, as if he hadn't pounded on my door in the middle of the night only to plant a kiss on my lips and tell me he loves me. As if he hadn't just confessed to being upset with my boyfriend who wasn't even my boyfriend.

Nothing makes sense and everything is too loud. I need to go. I'm not sure where but anywhere that is quiet and away from the laughing women cooing over a baby that isn't mine and away from the man that has an unhealthy hold on me.

My breathing is uneven, my palms are clammy, my mind is racing and I barely make out the calls from Mia, Stella and Karen as I get to the front door.

Maybe it's the fact that I haven't had a proper nights rest in days. Or maybe it's because I suddenly woke up one day with a family. Not the kind I grew up with where we only see each other for the important holidays and family tragedies.

Not the kind that call only to make backhanded comments about me and my life. Not the kind where it was hard to even be in the same room together for longer than dinner.

Now I had Karen, who stops by with nothing but good intentions and calls to see how I am. I had Daryl who I know is always on my team and rooting for me. I had Stella who thinks I'm literally the funniest person in the world and likes having me around so much that she cries when I leave.

Of course, I also had Michael.

I had Michael who can match my sarcasm and jokes with his own. Michael who knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Who is there 100 percent of the time even when we're fighting.

I've never had a family so sweet and caring and together. I've never had so much love in my life and it's overwhelming and scary and I'm not sure if I can do this.

I wasn't built for this.

I have no idea what to do with any of this or what any of it means.

I wasn't built to cook dinners and pies or change diapers. I don't know how to be a partner let alone a mother. I don't know the first thing of having a family. My ex would gladly testify to that.

It's why we never worked. I just wasn't wired for that type of life. I couldn't even share a damn apartment with one person. How am I supposed to share a whole life with a man, a baby, a cat and her god knows how many kittens?!

My phone goes off the second the door is shut behind me. It doesn't stop the whole way down the elevator and it doesn't stop even when I'm outside trying to remember how to breathe.

With a deep breath, I shut it off completely and start down the block.

-

There's a kid on the swings at the park, calling for her mother. When the lady finally gets to her daughter I notice they look nothing alike. They're complete polar opposites. Night and day.

When the dad comes over I can tell right off the bat that she's clearly his. They're practically identical but there's a baby in his arms that has a lot of the mother in him. I wonder what their story is.

How did they meet? Is the little girl's mom still in the picture? How young was she when her dad met the woman? Did she always call her mom? Did she ever feel weird with the fact that her little brother looked hardly anything like her? Or that they had different mothers?

I don't think I could ever do it. Have another baby. It wouldn't be fair for Stella and I'm not sure I'd ever want to split my attention. I'm not even sure Michael would want more kids.