Pose for me (Frerard)

Chapter twelve

I was trying. I really was. I was trying to understand Gee, believe me I was. I wanted to know all sides of him, some may be considered wrong in society and out of the norm but that's what made him special to me. I was trying to accept the possibility of mood swings or any other outcomes that may take place in the time I am with him. But it was fucking hard. I wasn't used to this, the feeling of unknowing that consumed my mind until my resting hours that came rare and few. I didn't want to go to work, or do anything for that matter. I wanted to rest for gods sake. I hadn't in so long I was on the verge of collapsing.

Fumbling around, I picked up my phone from the bed side table. I noticed that my knuckles were bloody and very bruised. I didn't pause for too long, and unlocked my phone going straight to Ray's contact. It was round about 6 in the morning but I knew Ray would be up, having a love for the mornings that I could never understand. He picked up on the third ring with a chirpy greeting.

"Hey Ray, I'm ringing because I can't come to work today." My voice sounded hoarse and croaky to my own ears.

"Oh right, it's fine don't worry about it. I can rearrange the things planned. Hey, Frank? Get some rest. You've been looking rough lately. I don't know why that is but you can tell me anything you do now that right? I am here for you." His voice was quite and had a friendly undertone laying under the words. I sighed, exasperated.

"Yeah, I know Ray. I just, its hard to explain alright?" I sighed again and ran my hand through my long, greasy fringe. "I don't know how I got in this mess in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I'm not involved with some dodgy gang or anything of the sort. It's just, you know." I said, slowly.

"Hard to explain, yeah. I get it don't worry. Anyway I have to go, guess I've got some sorting out to do today right?" Him and I both laughed. I thanked him and hung up after a goodbye.

After placing my cell back on the side, I resumed my former position in bed. I fell back asleep after attempting to shut out my thoughts.

I awoke a few hours later, as the sun started seeping through my blinds. My eyes blurred, I began my daily routine of getting ready having previously made plans for what I was going to spend my day doing in my mind. Half an hour later, I was ready and unlocking the door to my apartment. Deciding I was going to eat later, I had gotten ready much quicker than usual. Going to get my car, I trudged down to the car park and hopped in, checking the time on the dash board. If there was one thing odd about me, it was that I had a thing for time. Forever wanting to know the time and make sure my time was going spent in ways I enjoyed. I wanted my time to be special, to use it in ways I enjoyed and ways that were important to me. It was true, I did have a thing for time.

My car was home to my skateboard. I never took it out. Today I was going to go back to the first place Gerard ever took me. Not for the emotional side of things and how it filled me with a sense of nostalgia but for the fact that it was a really cool place.

Once I arrived, I unloaded my skateboard and tucked my phone into my jeans pocket. I walked the way across the field to the park which I could now see from the distance away from the car park as it wasn't dark. I got there and looked around me. It looked different in the day time. Not as magaical I guess. I couldn't see the guys that we had met here from before but that didn't matter, I wasn't here for them. Plugging in my headphones, I made my way to the edge of the ramp. I started up my music and began my descent downwards. I liked the structure and the routine of my life, the cycle of my thoughts was repetitive and so was everything else to some extent. But sometimes, routine gets boring. That's when I go under. It may seem that Gerard's the one with all the problems but I have them too. My system of working was beginning to get me down, leaving me feeling numb and hollow. I tended to ignore it, push it to the back of my mind and leave it there until it inevitably came crawling back in the middle of the night. It wasn't about me though, not when there were more pressing issues going on right now.

I spent the remainder of my day skating, in my own world and for the first time in a while, I didn't care about the time. Nor the weather. Nor what I was going to do when I got back home. Nothing. Do you ever just get this feeling that just washes over you of complete calm? You could just be sat in one of your classes, walking, with a friend or just at home; it doesn't matter really, it just comes over you and you want to keep it there, of course you do, but it naturally fades and then goes completely. I didn't want my high to end. One day, when it comes to my turn to leave, I want to go feeling like I am right now. Granted, it was an odd thought but it was true.

I made my way back to the car, undisturbed, at about five. I drove back to the apartments while humming along to some catchy yet shitty song on the radio.

It was a clear night and the sun had just set. Only a few little wisps of cloud shrouded the horizon; the sky was extremely clear to say it was nearing winter. There was a slight breeze that pinched your skin but it wasn't all together unpleasant, rather refreshing in fact.

I hadn't got a call or text from Gerard but I wasn't upset about that. Maybe I just needed to distance myself and stay away for a bit but I'm not too sure what his views on that would be. It was a mess really, wasn't it? I didn't know where this was going to get me to be honest. I was running around in circles each and everyday trying to make sense of a situation that most couldn't handle. This is crazy. I'm not getting anywhere with this.

After trudging up the stairs and into my apartment I decided I had done enough for one day and walked briskly into the bathroom for a shower. An hour later I was situated on the couch with a bowl of sweet popcorn by my knees while flicking through the channels. I hadn't spent a night like this on my own for a while now and it was nice to have some time to relax.

That night, I ended up falling asleep on the sofa. If I had fallen asleep half an hour later, I would of heard the knocking of someone at my door.