What have you done to yourself Alice?

2

Beep beeep beeeeep.
The sound of my alarm in the morning felt like someone screaming at me telling me to wake up. I dismissed my alarm and sat up in bed. Monday, great, another day of hell.

I got up, did my exercise routine, dragged myself into the shower. I stood there, just letting the water rain on my head. I closed my eyes and put my fingers through my hair.

What has my life become?  The same boring routine every single day. Every thought about weight, calories, work outs. I never see my friends anymore. I'm miserable but I can't stop, I'm in too deep. I'm drowning and no one knows.

A tear escaped from my eye and fell down my cheek. More and more tears built up and soon I was hysterically crying, I sat down in the bath, holding my face in my hands, silently screaming.

I stood up and rubbed my eyes and carried on showering as if nothing happened.

Stepping out of the shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror. Disgusting. I pinched my belly and had to hold my tears back. Eyes already red and puffy from a few minutes ago.

After drying myself off I took the scales out of the bathroom cabinet and placed it on the floor in front of me. Deep breaths. I stepped on. 40.1kg. Eugh.

I need to get down to at least 30. Fat.fat.fat. I'm 5'3ft, so very short, but I still weigh loads. Kill me.

I sighed and wrapped the towel around myself, got dressed and gathered my course, auburn hair and tied it up into a messy ponytail. I used to wear full make up, make my hair look all nice and make a huge effort but I just didn't have the energy for that anymore. I didn't have energy for much anymore.

I went down stairs, grabbed my backpack and slid my shoes on. I always left for school early in order to avoid breakfast.

At school I never paid attention in lessons, I did the work but never to a very good standard, I mostly thought about my next meal and how to move around as much as I could to burn extra calories.

I came home, did my homework and started walking upstairs to my room when my mum grabbed my arm.

"Ali, dinner's ready love, its on the dining room table."

Oh god, she's going to make me eat, I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday. I can't eat now, I'm too fat for food, I don't deserve it.

"Okay mum."

I walked back down the stairs and went into the dining room. Pizza. I slowly pulled out my chair and sat down on it, picked up the slice of pizza and just stared at it. It was as if I was in a room all by myself, just me and the food. Everything else just blurred into the background.

I can't eat it. I can't. Alice you can't eat that, remember this morning, you are 40.1kg, disgusting. You're disgusting.

I looked at my dad sat opposite to me, he was looking at me in a way that said 'What the hell are you doing Alice, just eat the pizza' so I gave him a broken smile and lifted the pizza to my mouth, and took a bite, I felt disgusting like I wanted to vomit, I hadn't eaten for so long and I just ate it, all that work and I ate.pizza.

Stupid Alice, stupid, stupid.