What have you done to yourself Alice?

13

I've had ENOUGH of all this fat now, recently I've lost sight of what this is all for. Skinny. I have to get thin. 400 calories a day is not working. I HAVE to get thinner, look at all that fat on you Al, you're disgusting, that's it. No eating for three days straight.

While I wasnt allowing myself any food, it seemd like the only thing I could think about, cold sticky Ben and Jerry's ice cream, a big, oozing chocolate cake, chips with loads of salt and vinegar. But everytime I got so hungry my belly gurgled so much it sounded like a hurricane, I just drank some water.

On my second 'fasting' day, my mother sat me down at the dinner table one evening. Her eyes were red as if she'd been crying, she had bags upon bags under her eyes as if she hadn't slept in a week.

"Alice, if you don't eat anything, you're going to die. I didn't spend 9 months growing you inside of me to have you die at 16. I remember when you were a baby, so chubby and cute, so happy. Ali, what happened to my happy little baby-"

Her voice began stern and starught-to-the-point, but then started shaking. She broke into tears mid - word.

"Alice, I love you, please don't do this. Look at yourself, your hands are purple, your eyes look like they might pop out of your eye sockets, your hair is so thin, you're going bold. You have no energy, walking around the house makes you lose breath. Please Ali."

I just sat there staring at mum for a while. I was so selfish, only thinking about me and how I wanted to be skinny and what I wanted to eat and how I deserved it. What about my mum? She'd clearly had sleepless nights because of me, she'd obviously been crying because of me, she doesn't deserve to see her child slowly kill herself, slowly waist away. There was so much I wanted to say to her but I just stood up, blank - faced and walked over to the living room mirror.

Usually when I looked in a mirror I would just try to tell if I'd lost any weight. This time I tried to really look at myself to see if all of what my mum said was true.

I held my hands up in the mirror. They weren't just purple, they were veiny and blotchy and ice cold. I looked closely at my eyes, the rest of my face had got so thin they looked massive, as if they were two large balls someone had just stuck on my face. Dark circles surrounded my eyes from the lack of energy I had. I ran my icey fingers through my, once, thick, long, shiney aubern hair,it was now dull and damaged, my hand got caught in a knot in it and I had to try to rip it out, a huge clump of my hair came out with my hand. I looked down at this hair ball and realised what I was doing to, not only myself, but my family aswell.

Multiple tears escaped my eyes as I just stared at this hideous monster in the mirror.

I'll change.
I'll eat.
I have to.
For my mum.