What have you done to yourself Alice?

9

"Alice, your mum told me that you haven't eaten for a few days. Do you think so you could eat this sandwich for me? we'll start your proper meal plan tomorrow."

The nurse handed me a sandwich.

I just sat there looking at the sandwich. I wasn't going to eat it. No way.

"Alice sweetie, if you can't eat this sandwich now, how will you manage the meal plan, do this for yourself, it'll be easier once you start."

She seemed really lovely but she had no idea how I felt, I wasn't scared of the food. I didn't feel anxious, there was no voice in my head telling me to starve myself like a lot of people describe it. I just didn't want to eat it. That's it. I didn't see the point and I liked how empty I felt.

Looking at the food just made me feel sick.

Food is disgusting, all it does is make you fat, what's the point? Having an empty stomach makes me feel beautiful, I can't stop now.

"I - I'm not going to eat anything while I'm here, sorry, I won't. "

I pushed the sandwich away and crossed my arms.

"Right,....I'll be back in a bit sweetie, I just need to talk to someone."

She took the sandwich with her, I sighed as she seemed so nice and I probably made her feel bad.

She came back moments later with another, older nurse.

"Alice, I'm sorry, we don't usually do this but I asked Ellen here, a sister nurse whether we can give you an NG tube to feed you as your levels are very low and we can't leave you like this overnight.

I sat there just staring at the sister nurse.

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice Alice, we have to do this sweetie."

Ellen disappeared for a little while and came back with a tube and a supplement drink.

My breathing became very fats and shallow, I didn't want any disgusting calories to go in my body, and I certainly didn't want someone to Shove a tube in my throat.