What have you done to yourself Alice?

12

I had to have therapy once a week with these stupid child mental health people and I had to get weighed weekly at the hospital.

The therapy was a load of shit really. It was family therapy, so basically they sat there, lecturing my parents on how to force me to eat by guilt tripping me. Every week they would ask

"So, how's Alice been this week?"

And every single week my parents would day how little I was eating, how 'closed off' I seemed, how they could hear me secretly exercising nightly. Blah blah blah.

I didn't care what they thought, and I didn't care what those therapists thought either, they were just payed to pretend they know what it's like to have an eating disorder. Have they ever hated themselves so much that they wanted to starve themself to death just to feel beautiful? Have they never felt good enough for anyone unless they felt hungry? No. No they hadn't. So they have no right to tell me how I feel.

"I sense that you're a little sad today sweetie, want to talk about it, you're anxious about the fact that we're talking to your mum about the possibility of sending you to a unit. I get it..."

No Caroline, I am not thinking about what ever the fuck you are blabbering on about, actually, I am mentally planning my 55 calorie dinner that I'll make for myself tonight. Sweetie.

And don't get me started on the weigh days. They made me go into this room with a bunch of girls, half the size(or less) of me and I had to wait for my turn so I could pee in a cup then go into a little room, strip to my bra and panties and stand on a fucking scale and want to rip my face of at the number I saw.

Two weeks after I came back from hospital, I began eating more than I wanted to, not as much as my dietician wanted, of course, but more, as my mother melted down and cried at me, smashed plates and screamed at me to eat normally. So I ate a few more calories. But on weight day, my weight went up much more than I expected so when I saw the number I couldn't hold back my tears. My knees fell to the floor in front of the scales and I balled my eyes out. The woman in there with me didn't do anything, she just wrote down my weight on her little fucking piece of paper and that was it. I sat on the floor with make up running down my face, but to these woman, I was just another messed up kid. Just another number.