𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐄 ᵖᵉᵃᵏʸ ᵇˡⁱⁿᵈᵉʳˢ

28, not there yet

XVIII. 1922

As selfish as it may seem, Vivian wasn't concerned about those she had left behind when she decided to go to the reopening. Even if they had been wrongfully left, abandoned without a goodbye.

Over the years she had thought about the family business. Dreading the day when her London life would clash with her past. Or maybe she had hoped for that day. She also wondered about Grace and the disorder she brought to the dirty city. In the early years of her travels, she would often let her mind wander to the hurt Janet and Scott caused. She thought of Ryan's betrayal too.

When she wasn't working or partying, she thought of these times. Her stomach would be in a knot as if recreating those feelings of panic or despair. But then all of a sudden, her head would fog up and then when the fog cleared she felt nothing.

Vivian definitely focused on the more difficult times than the joyful ones.

So, her mind sometimes ignored those happy memories and forget the people that made those memories so special. But there were times.

It was when she was running an errand on a busy Tuesday morning when she would see children running through the streets, annoying the locals and she would start thinking of herself and her two boys. Then she'd wonder about which old lady Ryan was trying to snatch up or who Isaiah be bugging now.

She'd sometimes see young kids, who were too young to be smoking, sitting on a step, sharing a cigarette. And of course her mind would drift to Thomas Shelby, who was never without a cigarette. And yet he would always scold her for the habit. His scolding led her to scold Finn as she felt it was only right, when she caught him sneaking a smoke beside the fire. On multiple occasions.

One day, she had walked through the park at lunch and see a man hold a young girl's hands and swinging her around. Then she remembered when John and Kol would throw her as if she were a ball in a game of catch, when she was barely five.

Recently when Katie had asked if she wanted to play a board game, Vivian had reminisced on the time before Janet's betrayal. A time when Vivian had made friends with the new neighbour and they were getting to know each other over a game of Ludo.

She wouldn't let her mind remember these memories because they were Vivian Shelby's. And for the past two years, she was Cassandra Romano. Cassandra didn't care for these people or these places as they were insignificant. And Vivian committed to this role.

She'd grown used to her role and it was easier to forget Vivian's life.

Tommy could see that. Despite not knowing Cassandra, he saw her change. He'd already see her shift in real time. Grow distance.

So now, as she sat in that gold private room, she didn't even begin to think of those outside that room. Not Polly, not Isaiah, not Finn, not Ryan. No one. She didn't even seem to have missed John and Arthur moments after she saw them. They had hugged her and she had sort of laughed it off. Same with Tommy that day in the hospital.

It was as if they were new acquaintances or old insignificant friends. Not brother and sister who had not seen each other in over two years.

Tommy had noticed the coldness of the young woman in front of him that day. Ada had too but over the past few months she had grown used to this. That didn't mean she liked it. Arthur and John were too pleased to see her to notice.

Vivian didn't think much of this 'coldness'. She didn't think much of her current self. Maybe she was cold.

Here, she was back 'home' but she seemed to care very little about her loved ones outside the room or even inside it. She was disconnected from Viv as she was trying to be reacquainted with Vivian Shelby. It didn't feel like a personal reunion which unsettled Vivian. She was supposed to feel at home and comforted. But she felt out of placed.