Dirk's Clusterfuck of Randomness |Rants|Updates|Random|

Stresssssss

I'm going to my new school today in a few hours to be registered, take my photo for my student ID, walk around the school and find my classes, see my locker, etc...I'm really nervous. Even though this isn't the first day, and I'm only going to stay there for probably (at the most) an hour, my anxiety gets really bad involving things like school and just generally interacting with people...I've always had problems with anxiety, I was a very shy and nervous kid, which is still obvious when I go to school.

Even at my old school, when I had been going there for two years, every day I felt nervous. It wasn't like I was being severely bullied or my teachers were targeting me (not very badly, anyways) but the stress of knowing that the day ahead of me could involve public speaking was too much to handle.

So eventually I began asking my teachers if I could present my project privately after class, just to the teacher, with no other students there. I knew that people could have thought I was dating my teacher or something, which was NOT true (plus my teacher was like a hundred years old.) but I could not force myself to stand in front of everybody, just talking while the whole room was silent...so my anxiety got worse, and worse, until I finally stopped going to school and became homeschooled.

That was almost two years ago, and this year I'm going back to school for 11th grade. I plan on graduating from this school, and the only way I can push myself through it is by saying 'it's only two years before I'm done.'

I know to most other people, presenting in front of the class is no big deal. But for me, accomplishing that would deserve a full-blown party. But here's the thing...to those people who think it's nothing, or that I'm making this up because I'm lazy or because I need extra time to finish the project, NO. Sometimes, for the entire month before the day I have to present, I can't sleep. I can't think of anything other than that day, and I have nightmares about people laughing and making fun of me. It's...I can't explain how I feel so everybody in the world understands. And that's alright. I just wish people wouldn't assume I'm lazy.

Holy man, did this ever go way off track.

Anyways, as I was saying.

I'm going to my school in a few hours, and I'm still extremely anxious, even though all I'm doing is getting my picture taken. I wish I had a friend or just SOMEBODY to talk to when I feel this way. I can't talk to my mom, she doesn't understand. I can't talk to Kid's Help Phone, it puts money on our phone bill and even live chat doesn't help. Plus, all they do is refer you to a counselling agency, not actually help you. And I can't talk to any of my current friends, because none of them have anxiety. I really only have two friends; One doesn't even go to school, and one does go to school but had no issues with presenting!

It's just...hard. I wish I knew somebody with anxiety, that way it would be a support thing between us. But...there's nobody. And I guess that makes me stronger, since I can get through it on my own??

I don't know.