Dirk's Clusterfuck of Randomness |Rants|Updates|Random|

Coming Out

I was outed yesterday.

It was shocking, and angered me. But the strongest emotion I felt was betrayal. How could somebody I trusted reveal my most sensitive secret? And when I told this person, it was not really a secret. It was common knowledge that it was not to be spoken about with our not-so-accepting parents. And this person had known for...years.

The urge to get revenge is bubbling, but I know that's not what I want to do. I could reveal their biggest secret as payback for them revealing mine when I was not ready, but does that make me any better?

Nobody in my family can possibly understand how I feel right now. I might look just fine on the outside, but on the inside, there is a hurricane of emotions. Anger, sadness, fear, shame.

I was not ready to come out.

So why? Why did you tell mom? I have NEVER told her your secrets. Not even about your strange 'things' that you have begged me to keep secret. Nay, not even a peep has escaped my mouth about your secrets. But on a whim, without any prior thought, you outed me.

I hope you know how betrayed I feel. And how upset I am that I can no longer trust you.

I think everyone is under the impression that I've been keeping the secret for only a week, or a few days. No.

Years. I've known for years, and it's been an extremely long process of learning to accept myself, becoming comfortable with my own identity, and realizing that there is nothing wrong with being pan, despite what my indoctrinated religion used to teach me.

So when I was outed, it destroyed me. And I feel like I am the only one out there who feels this way.

Am I making a big deal out of nothing?