Dirk's Clusterfuck of Randomness |Rants|Updates|Random|

Dear ____ Challenge

EDIT: I could have written tons more and included more people, but it was already getting pretty long.

Dear Parents
I wish you cared more. Or acted like you cared. Even a justified false interest would suffice my needs as a daughter/son to feel wanted. You've done so much for me, even put your own needs aside for me, and I of course appreciate that. But I didn't ask to be born. So please, stop guilting me out for something I did not ask for. I know we don't have much money for excess things, and we have bills to pay, but the reason I never tell you when I need something is because you would always make me feel bad for asking. Even something as necessary as feminine products, I feel bad asking for. I feel bad asking for anything! Do you know why? Because of the guilt you put me through when I did ask. I understand that you wanted to teach me not to ask for unnecessary things, and I do not anymore. But you also told me that asking for things I need causes you to be upset with me. Every single curse word you spit through your teeth stings me. Every single negative verb slices me. But you can't see that, can you? Even if you did, you wouldn't care. I always have something wrong that needs to be pointed out. I'm always stupid, dumb, or I always look retarded. Screw you.

Dear Siblings
No, I'm not referring to the 'Something Siblings'. I'm talking about my own siblings. You are all younger than me, except my older one. My older sibling...Why? Just why. Why did you abuse me when I was a child? Why did you fuck up your life so much? Why did you become ensnared in the rabbit hole that comes with doing drugs? Why did you come back to us after so long saying you were 'better', then go back to your same old habits after a while? Why? And to my younger siblings, I love you boys. But you are selfish. It's okay, someday you will become like me. I hope it isn't as bad, though. I hope you still ask for the things you need without feeling bad. And someday, the moment that you accept that Mom and Dad don't care as much as you thought, things will get better. I'm sorry it has to be this way.

Dear Brother
Yes, you, Mituna. That last paragraph had nothing to do with you, just so you know. I love you. I loved you as my sister, and I love you as my brother. And whoever you decide you are, I will love them, too. I try to be as kind and as accepting as possible, but sometimes I fuck up and call you my sister. I'm sorry. Most of the time it's only when Mom and Dad are around. And thank you for accepting me back and keeping my secrets, as I have kept yours. I hope nithing happens with us like Shanice. I really hope we can go on that shopping trip, and I can help you get a whole new wardrobe full lf all the clothes you would like. I hope we remain best of siblings forever.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend (1)
Sad that I need to number these ex-boyfriends. Anyways, though. I liked you from the moment we became friends. But after summer vacation, we stopped talking. I tried messaging you through Facebook multiple times, but only once every two weeks, so it was not obvious that I liked you. But you never replied. You read my messages, but never had the balls to type a reply back. So when school started, I tried talking to you more. You have no idea how extremely difficult that was for me, even just to say hello to you in the hallway. It was even harder to hold up a conversation. This was around the time that I was beginning to realize that I had a serious anxiety disorder. But I kept trying to talk to you, because I was so meek and read online that a good way for your crush to notice you was by making yourself known to him. So I did. And then I began passing anonymous notes to you through one of my friends, saying I liked you. I went with the whole idea of a secret admirer, but it backfired. I met up with you after school, and you brought your two friends. You said it was because you were shy. We walked to a coffee shop and you bought me a cookie and a latte. We stayed there for a while, talking. Then we went to the park. Then we walked back to the school, because my house was just down the road. We sat on the back stairs, under the awning, shielding ourselves from the misty drizzle of rain. We talked for a long time. You asked if I would be your girlfriend. I accepted, naturally. Then you walked me home, holding me close to you with your arm around my shoulder. You hugged me and watched me go inside. I was smiling for the rest of the day. Then after the weekend was over, you came to me at my locker and told me that you really didn't like me, but you liked one of my friends. Do you even realize how fucking crushed I was? I was so sad for a long time, but then I was angry. But it's alright. I was really fat back then, so maybe that's why you felt bad for me.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend(2)
Why? Why did you lie to me? Why did you stop caring? And why...why did you have to live so far away from me? I wished with all my heart that you would by some stroke of luck come to my country, my town, anything. But even if you did, you wouldn't meet me. Not anymore. You say you've grown up, but that doesn't mean you have to ignore me anymore. And every single time I ask if you still want to talk to me, you just apologize and say you are busy. But...you are online all day. Every. Day. You just choose to ignore me. It's okay. You taught me that sometimes, you just need to move on.

Dear Friend
I hate you. I honestly do. We were friends for seven years, and up until the three-year-mark, everything was great! But then you changed. You stopped caring about me. Then you only cared if the subject involved you. After our fight involving the person you were dating, it was the last straw. I deleted and ignored you. It took an entire week of you talking about me behind my back until you noticed I deleted you. Then for another week or so, you continued to shit talking me to my own friend. So I decided to send you a message asking for us to sort this all out. I waited until you were done sending your wall of text for me to send mine, explaining that I no longer wanted to be friends. I was as kind and as respectful as I could be. I firmly, but gently, told you that I wanted out of our friendship. I used kind words, not wanting to be the bad guy. And then you sent your boyfriend after me. The consequence of your actions was me having a huge panic attack for an hour before messaging you again, saying I had lost all respect for you. I just could not believe that you would get your boyfriend to barge into our own issues, trying to make me be friends with you again. Afterwards, I blocked you on all accounts. Fuck you, you desperate bitch. Don't you ever talk to me.

Dear Therapist
Your name was Susie. Not Suzie. Soft, not harsh, like a Z. You were my first, and only, therapist. Thank you for helping me through my depression, and giving me advice on handling my anxiety. But on our last of 3 sessions, I had a mental breakdown. I froze, couldn't speak, couldn't move. You had to hypnotize me with meditation to break me out of my trance. I have a nagging feeling that you thought I was bullshitting you, but I wouldn't waste your time like that. But thank you. You were very kind. Professional.

So, that was the 'Dear ____ Challenge'. My brother Tuna--  did it and suggested that I do it, too.

I hope you enjoyed peeking into my personal life. Sorry if there were typos, the first time I wrote everything, my iPad died, so I lost it all. I had to speedily write it all again, so there may be typos. Sorry. And sorry it's so fucking long! Once you begin to write about someone, it's difficult to stop until it's all out.