Imperfect (Disappeared #1)

Chapter Twenty-Five

Agony revisited Theodosia once she was alone again. As soon as her hair was unpinned, her jewelry put away, and her dress changed to a nightgown; as soon as the great house settled down for the night and no one expected anything of her except for sleep, then thoughts of Ahuil and his world flooded her mind again.

Sleep was impossible. Instead, she sat in her window seat and watched the moon filter through the clouds. Rays of long light played over the manicured lawn and disappeared into darkness. She felt comfortable and cared for in her lace-trimmed cotton nightgown, full of excellent foodstuffs, and still pink from her bath. In short, she was nothing but a traitor. Ahuil suffered in his world and she did nothing but eat cakes and have her hair done.

She was overwhelmed, too, with memories of the smell of Ahuil's skin and the feeling of his arms around her against the backdrop of nighttime in the forest. She had loved those things more than all the extravagant balls, elegant suppers, and fashionable holidays she had ever attended. The simplicity of the beauty of the forest, for better and for worse, appealed to her heart.

She leapt from her perch and began to pace the room. Her mother said she must conform, that she had no other option. That was untrue — another option existed, and that was Ahuil and his world.

Theodosia could not help but notice the timing of recent events. She had been shown Ahuil's world just before she was supposed to go to London. It seemed as if the universe had offered her another choice. If she rejected it, then who knew if she would ever be allowed back.

Yet what about her parents? They would feel genuine grief over her disappearance. And then there was her sweet Louisa. As smart as she was, how could she ever understand her favorite sister disappearing? She would see it only as abandonment.

Theodosia went to the window and looked out at the lawns streaked with moonlight. The truth was that this world was wrong for her. She had known it for so long. And she would only live once. Would she really waste it on pleasing everyone but herself?

Sitting down, she buried her face in her hands and wept bitter tears. She wanted to satisfy herself <i>and</i> her family. But it was impossible. Someone would get hurt no matter what.

In desperation, Theodosia got on her knees and begged that someone, something, give her an answer. Nothing dramatic happened, of course, except that her knees started to hurt and the noise in her brain quieted, leaving only one clear message: <i>Go to him. It's what you want.</i>

Go to him. That was exactly what she wanted, needed, and, despite the consequences, <i>had</i> to do. It was all there was left.

The front door would be locked until five in the morning, so Theodosia had plenty of time to prepare. Still, she began to pack like a woman possessed. She pulled out a cloth bag and stuffed in a dress, extra stockings, and shifts and a comb. Then she shed her nightgown and pulled on a sage muslin dress. Her tan coat, bonnet, and leather boots she placed by the door.

Now it was time for the hard part: the letter to her parents. She sat at her writing desk, pulled out a sheet of paper, quill, and ink, and carefully wrote it out.

Dear Mama and Papa,

It gives me great grief to be parted from you. I think you know I cannot lead the life you want for me. Please believe me when I say I so want to be the obedient girl who marries whomever is chosen for her and glorifies her family with her social poise and submission.

But I cannot. And I cannot marry Edward Merton. I have chosen the option no one has discussed — to disappear. You will not find me, but rest assured I will be well and happy and no scandal from my new life shall taint you. I will leave it to you to decide what to tell people. I suggest a story that I have gone to travel the continent. If for some reason I come back, everything can be easily explained. And as to the Mertons, they will find a suitable match for Edward soon enough.