Imperfect (Disappeared #1)

Chapter Three

The sisters' quiet moment was interrupted by the appearance of their mother, Catherine, the countess. She was dressed elegantly in a midnight blue and gold stripe dress with a cameo hung around her neck. 

She frowned when she saw them. "Louisa, what are you doing in here? You should be upstairs with Nanny working on your sewing." She rang the bell and then sat down on a settee by Cecilia, who was still industriously embroidering. 

A maid came in and collected Louisa, who didn't go without a fight. She protested and complained, made promises of good behavior, and tearfully implored that Theodosia help her. Yet in the end she was carted back upstairs, leaving her older sister with a heavy heart.

The countess signed deeply as the door closed behind them. "Louisa belongs upstairs with Nanny. How many times do I have to tell you?"

Theodosia scowled and paced about, refusing to sit down as she knew she was supposed to. "She doesn't like being trapped up there any more than I did. Nanny is no better than an ogre, and sewing is tedious. Louisa likes being down here better."

"It's not about what she likes. She belongs up there and that's that. Now, you know I've asked you to pay more mind to your correspondence. Cecilia spends a good two hours of her time at her desk before breakfast. Theodosia, please come here and sit down instead of walking about in that loutish way."

Reluctantly, she came over and sat in a dainty chair opposite her mother. She thought, as she often had, how similar her mother and Cecilia looked with their soft blonde hair and pink cheeks. Lady Catherine Stafford, the Countess of Helenshire, had been a famed beauty in her day and was quite vocal about how much she missed the balls and other social gatherings of London. 

 "Your father confessed to me that you were out again this morning. You know I find that kind of behavior highly disgraceful. Ladies do not romp about in the fields in the early hours."

"Well, what else am I supposed to do? I don't have anyone to correspond with, Mama. Who am I supposed to write to for two hours? Aunt Jane? The cook? Myself?"

The countess pursed her lips. "Being saucy doesn't suit you."

"I'm sorry, Mama." Theodosia sighed and tried to summon up a measure of patience. "It's just that I can't stand being compared to Cecilia. We are completely different. To expect the same for both of us is unreasonable."

Her younger sister looked up from her embroidery. "Indeed. We should all agree now that Theodosia is hopeless. Especially after how she shamed us all during her coming out two summers ago."

"Hush," her mother put in, the color high in her cheeks. "That is simply uncharitable. I want to have a private chat with your sister. Go up to your room, please."

Cecilia went out, her face red. The countess patted the settee next to her and Theodosia moved over, her stomach twisting. Her coming out had been a disaster. She had given a wobbly, cringe-inducing curtsey during her presentation at court. Then, at the Queen Charlotte's Ball, she had forgotten her dance steps, fumbled through conversation, and told most of the eligible men that they were idiots. Her mother had taken her home long before the full six months of her season were over. Since that time, their every interaction had been strained by what her mother thought was a great disappointment.

The countess sighed and patted her hand. "I don't mean for you to be a copy of Cecilia, darling. I only want you to exemplify the characteristics of a lady. For that is who you must become. You have to develop confidence, poise, and social grace, as that is what will be required in your married life. Without those things, you will suffer." She squeezed her daughter's hand. "My love, I swear I am only trying to prepare you for what's coming. Nothing else."

Theodosia shifted in her seat. "But Mama, what if I'm not a lady? I hate to pretend to be like Charlotte and Cecilia or any of the other fine ladies when I am clearly unlike them. I have tried to be more like that — honestly, I have. I took lessons in the pianoforte, embroidery, painting, and French, and each attempt was a greater failure than the last. And then I went to London for my coming out and I discovered that I had no social skills, either. But I don't want to hate myself for those flaws. What if I'm fine the way I am?"

"Don't be so hard on yourself, my dear." The countess reached up with a bejeweled hand and stroked Theodosia's cheek. "Poise is not your strength, that's true. Yet your social standing puts you in a good position to marry Edward Merton. And you must think of the practicalities. Your own house to manage and an independence that spinsterhood could never grant. The time to marry has come, Theodosia. You have had your coming out and you are already eighteen. You must marry and secure your future."

Theodosia hung her head. She realized that nothing she said would sway her mother. The countess could not understand that anyone might not want a home and husband of their own. In actuality, Theodosia wanted to want that, for what else was there to desire? Time and time again, she had tried to be the person who would want to marry a lord. But the effort was making her increasingly uncomfortable, even desperate. She felt claustrophobic, and in this case, the small space was society.

Her mother patted Theodosia's cheek and smiled at her tenderly. "I intend to do right by you, you know that, darling? I know how hard you find some aspects of our life, and I mean to position you well by marriage so that no one can find fault with you, even if you are a bit different."

Theodosia looked into the pretty blue eyes of her mother, so guileless and honest, and felt as though she were being stabbed in the heart. Her mother was only trying to help by obtaining for her a financially and socially secure future. There was nothing else she could or was supposed to provide. What's more, Theodosia didn't even know what she wanted, if not a rich husband.

She yearned desperately for another kind of life, one that she couldn't even begin to imagine. She often thought that it was cruel to be made to yearn as such. Still, she must put that aside. In truth, it would be better for her to be married and out of sight so that her poor mother wouldn't have to worry anymore. The countess could then dedicate herself full-time to Cecilia's future — a much happier proposition.

She squeezed her mother's beautiful hands bedecked with so many sparkling jewels. "Thank you, Mama. I know how worried you are. I know you only want the best for me."

Her mother's rosy face brightened and her cheeks became even pinker. "Your words are so sweet to hear, my Theodosia. To see you happy is my only desire, you know."

And with that she kissed her daughter affectionately and went to consult with the head housemaid. Theodosia watched her go with a heavy heart. Was this really her one calling — to make her family happy by doing as told without complaint? It was a dreadful vision, but realistically she knew it was the one she was born for. She felt sick with sadness. How was she ever to be happy? 

*******************************************************************************

Have feelings about this chapter? Ambivalent? Need to talk about life stuff? Leave a comment!

I'm at bronwynkienapple.com. Waiting for you. Impatiently. Muahahaha.