The End

Chapter 53: It Was All Over Your Face

"Patrick," Ellen's tone sharp.

He stepped out of the bathroom and into the direct view of the front door. A towel around his waist and his curls nearly dripping from the shower. "Tallulah," a now familiar horror spreading through his chest. "Hey," he softened and buried his embarrassment. Ellen had already disappeared from the room.

Though everything about her demeanor oozed with regret she said, "Can we talk?"

"Come in," he cleared his throat, "I'll get dressed."

Ellen had already tucked Patrick's t-shirt into her pants by the time he came into the bedroom. "You don't need to go," his voice clinging to her ankles.

"I'll be back," she said softly, "it'll be fine." She quietly reassured him and quickly kissed his face.

Patrick pulled on a pair of sweats and took a deep breath. As terrifying as this moment was, it was a step in the right direction. He exhaled in a puff of air and opened the bedroom door.

Tallulah was sitting on the very edge of the sofa, as if she was intruding. When he sat down across from her, she didn't even look up. 

"If I'd have known you were..." Patrick started to make an excuse for the way she'd found them yet again.

"What dad?" She spoke firmly, meeting his eyes, "You'd have skipped fucking her this morning?"

"T," he winced, both wanting to call out her crudeness and embarrassed by the truth.

"I don't really know why I'm here," She said her body language closing off.

Patrick paused for a moment, he had hurt her, he had turned his family upside down. Completely burned every ounce of certainty to the ground. But. He was still her father. "Yes, you do," he said with a bit of fatherly confidence.

She looked into his eyes, "It's not that it doesn't make sense," her voice trailed off, "It makes too much sense." She looked away, "I think that's what hurts." Her eyes filling with tears, "I couldn't stop thinking about that day at the farmers market..."

"T," Patrick felt her words to his core.

"No such thing as seeing her too much... Isn't that what you said?" A long silence settled between them. "You didn't even hide it. It was all over your face. Every picture. Every interview. Every scene of your stupid show." Tallulah swallowed hard, "And everyone just pretended like it wasn't happening."

"I'm sorry," Patrick's voice cracked, "I never meant for you to carry this."

"Too late," her voice was bitter.

"I thought waiting would protect you."

"It didn't," Tallulah spit back.

"I know," Patrick nodded, his gaze dropping to the floor, "I was wrong."

"Do you?" Her anger was starting to peek through.

"Because I can't stop replaying every holiday. Birthdays. Our family vacations," She shook her head. " I just keep wondering..." Her voice was full of emotion, "Were you wishing you were with her?"

Patrick sat up straighter as if he was preparing to defend the most important thing, "Never with you," His voice quietly sincere. He waited to catch her eye line, "Never." The weight of the conversation hitting him, "That's why..." he trailed off, "I couldn't stand the idea of trading anything for time with you."

"Did you even love mom?" She finally asked the question that was at the root of all of this.

His eyes falling to the ground, staring for a moment, as if the perfect answer was on the floor somewhere. Every answer hurt someone, "Of course I did," He said lightly, "We built a beautiful life together. You, Darby, Sully," he paused. "I couldn't have asked for anything else."

"But," Tallulah finished for him.

"Sometimes life has other plans..." he wanted to say more. 

"No shit," Tallulah spit back. "I just don't understand doing this to someone you love." Tallulah paused again, "She has a family too you know." Her eyes were sharp, "just 3 more kids going through this because of you."

"I know," he was defeated again.

"That's it..." she shook her head, "you just weakly agree with me about everything. A half hearted 'life had other plans'..." She stood up, ready to leave this time, "I shouldn't have come."

Panic seems to trigger inside of him, "What do you want to know Tallulah," Patrick finally said flatly. His voice a little tired of being walked on when he was the parent.

"Don't turn this on me," she spit back, "don't act like I'm the one prying."

He had been trying to spare her feelings, spare the image of him, of their family, of their memories. But he couldn't, not at the expense of the truth.

"I didn't just wake up one day and decide my life wasn't enough. That my family wasn't enough," his voice carried through the bungalow a little and then softened.

Tallulah had stopped moving now.

"It wasn't some decision I made because I was bored. I loved my life, I loved my family." Patrick swallowed the emotion in his throat, tears building in his eyes, "But then... there she was." The words weighed between them, "And I hated how easy it was to feel something I didn't want to feel." 

Tears spilled silently from Tallulah's eyes. Not because his words hurt her, but because for a brief moment she saw him as human.

He ran his hands through his hair, "I spent years fighting it, telling myself it would go away. That if I gave it enough distance, enough time, it would disappear." A pained laugh escaped his lips, "It didn't."

"You don't have to tell me anymore," she spoke in a vulnerable whisper. 

"I want you to know. I didn't build a life around her. I didn't choose her over you. I didn't sneak away to call her or be with her. I knew what was at stake.."

"Then how did we even get here," she couldn't help but ask.

"Because there are just some feelings you can't erase." His voice thoughtfully lost, distant, nostalgic, "I loved her. I am in love with her." He looked up at Tallulah again, "But I also love you, and our family."

She was quiet again. His words settling inside of her, "I just..." T's voice soft, emotional, "I don't know what to do with that."

"You don't have to make sense of this today," Patrick said softly. "You don't even have to ever understand." He swallowed hard, "but I can't live with losing you."

"You're not going to lose me dad," She softened for a passing second.