I'll Never Tell

Chapter 5

I walked lazily to the stairs, it was like I was floating above everything.

"Veronica, you home?" I heard my aunt call from the living room. I walked in and sat next to her. She kept her face locked on the t.v. screen then she suddenly turned to face me and her face formed into a bright smile. I raised my eyebrows at this.

"Um..." I said suddenly feeling like there was going to be a whole round of questions thrown at me.

"So..?" She smirked at me.

"Sooo?" I raised my eyebrows once again.

"You and Noah." She said smiling.

"Um, no." I say shaking my head fast.

"Mhm." My aunt rolled her eyes.

"No no no!" I say again. "He just took my roller skating and to lunch really, there is nothing going on with me and Noah, and there never will be." I said looking into her eyes. "Ever."

"Okay, okay sure." She winked.

"Ohmigod, can you not be such a teen." I laughed.

"What?! I think it's exciting, since my last marriage ended in a divorce." She frowned.

"I know, but.." I trailed off.

"What?" She asked.

I wanted to tell her that I have never had a conversation like this before. Ever. Because if I would say anything about a boy then it was punishment time. And I hated punishment time. My father didn't want me to have any friends, let alone a boyfriend. He said it was because he wanted me all to himself.

"Nothing." I said after a moment. "I'm going to go up to my room."

"Okay." She said putting a smile right back on her face. "Dinner is at 7:00"

I nodded and walked up the stairs the feeling of weightlessness was gone, instead anxiety and guilt filled my stomach. What if my father would find out about me seeing Noah, I don't mean "seeing him" seeing him, I mean just hanging out, he would lose it. My breath started picking up. This is a bad idea. Wait. Just wait. He is gone, he doesn't know. Breathe. I took a deep breath through my nose and let it out through my mouth. Calm down. I sat and looked out my window. Noah's clear blue pool stared back at me. I had never been swimming either. Unless you count when I was like 6 and I don't even remember it. My body was drawn to his pool. I glanced at my clock it was only 5:00. I laughed and shook the thought away from my head. I was not going to sneak into his pool. That would make me look like a crazy ass stalker. I shook my head and got up.

"I'm going for a walk." I called to my aunt even though I was already half way out the door I heard a faint okay. I walked up and down the streets I wasn't really sure where I was going but I didn't really care. The air was cool but sweat was hot on my skin. I felt the nervousness stretch though every inch of my body. I turned back and headed home. I was going to do this. I was going to swim in Noah's pool. I got back to the house just in time for dinner. After it was 8:30. I went back up to my room and waited. By the time it was one a.m. I got up and quietly walked out the door. Regret flooded me instantly. I jumped Noah's fence and the sparkly water stared back at me. I stuck my toe in, it was warm. I slowly stripped off my clothes standing in my bra and underwear I slowly lowered myself into the dark water. I let out a breath. This felt amazing. I put my head under water and came up I slowly opened my eyes. This feeling was strange. I had never felt a feeling like this. It wasn't the same feeling that I got when I was with Noah today. It was the excitement of breaking the rules. I closed my eyes and tipped my head back letting the top of my head graze the water. I swam to the other side of the pool when a porch light flickered on. I gasped. Damn censored lights. I saw a light come on in the house. Shit. Shit shit shit. I got out quickly and grabbed my clothes I ran back over to my yard and into my house my heart beating heavily I thought it would come through my chest. I ran the stairs up to my room and glanced out my window. All the lights were off again and everything looked like it had before. My chest tightened in fear that would not leave me. I was so used to that feeling. I had felt it when I saw a light go on. It scared the crap out of me. My father. It was like he was always there. He was watching. I got into bed and stared up at my ceiling. I felt him. On every inch of my body all I felt was him. His eyes, his breath, his arms. I grabbed a handful of hair and yanked it begging for the images to stop. This happened all the time. Even before I moved. It was like no matter how much I scrubbed my body in the shower he was still there. It was like he was everywhere. What if he comes. I squeezed my eyes shut. No. What if he takes me back to the apartment. My chest tightened. I swallowed over and over again trying to get the sick feeling out of my stomach. This was a bad idea.

The light from my window burned my eyes. As soon as I opened them I had to close them. I felt numb. I stretched and let out a moan. I trudged down the steps. My eyes heavy from barely sleeping. I slipped out on the back porch. My aunt had left a note she said she went grocery shopping and would be back in a few hours. I didn't mind a couple of hours on my own to just relax. I sat in the swing for a while with my eyes closed. I suddenly felt the swing get heavier. My heart clenched I imediatley thought of my father my eyes snapped open and I gasped. I then realized it was Noah. His eyes got wide with surprise.

"I didn't mean to scare you." He said.

"No it's okay." I said.

We sat there in silence for a while.

"So," He said. "Have a nice swim?"

My eyebrows crinkled with confusion. "What are you-" Then it hit me. My mouth made the shape of an o. He had saw me. He knew.

"You looked pretty hot in that bra and underwear though." He smirked.

"Oh my god!" my hands started to sweat.

"Hey it's cool, next time I just wish you would have invited me go swim with you." He winked at me.

"No, it is not cool. I feel like an idiot." I said looking away from him. His green eyes crinkled with confusion.

"Why do you feel like an idiot?" He asked.

"I.. I just. I shouldn't have done it, it's not like me to just break into somebody's back yard."

"I didn't think I was just somebody." Noah said looking a little hurt.

"What?" I said.

"I thought we were.. I don't know friends." He shrugged.

"I just met you a week ago." I said.

"So we're not friends?" He asked.

I stared at him for a minute. Are we friends? "I don't think so." I said slowly. "I don't even know you that well."

"Then get to know me." He said like it was the simplest thing in the world. But he didn't know about my social anxiety problems.

"Um. I don't think that's a good idea." I said. Not making eye contact.

"Why not?" He looked somewhat disappointed.

"I'm not good at making friends." I mumbled.

"What?" He didn't hear me.

"I said.." I repeated looking into his eyes, "I'm not good at making friends."

"That's shit Veronica." He told me.

"Excuse me?" I narrowed my eyes at him.

"A girl like you? Not having friends." He scoffed. "I bet at your old school you had tons of friends." He paused for a minute. "I bet you're not even a virgin." A smile playing on his lips. He thought it was funny, teasing me about my virginity when I had lost it in the worst possible way.

My bottom lip quivered. I won't cry, I won't cry I won't cry I won't cry. Over and over again. Ladies hold their fucking emotions. I squeezed me eyes shut. God Veronica keep it together. Don't let him see you like this.

"Veronica?" He asked. I shook my head knowing if I spoke I would lose it.

"Veronica I'm sorry I was just joking. I didn't mean to upset you." His breathing was picking up.

"Veronica seriously I'm sorry." He touched the top of my hand but I yanked it away. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.

"It's okay." I said quietly.

"No it's not, I'm an asshole." He shook his head.

"Yeah," I let out a painful smile letting him know it was fine. I needed to let it go. Put it all past me but the tugging in my gut made me realize it's easier said then done. He playfully punched my shoulder. Awkward silence fell between us.

"I should go." He said getting up. I nodded.

"So I'll see you tomorrow at ten?" He asked his eyes hopeful.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked

"Its a surprise." He said smirking.

I rolled my eyes. "See you at ten." Then he was gone.