Going Crazy (iKON Jinhwan)

Ch.18

Ch.18

''Get Ready?Showtime!'' They yelled on the mic.I smiled and and hugged my pillow.I burried my head in it and took a deep breath.They had an interview,so i stayed home all alone.Even Jinhwan was there.We didn't talk since that day,its been a week already.We ignored each other,not talking,looking,anything.I was hurted,but i didn't want to talk to him first.I have a pride as well.He doesn't even believe,i won't try to talk to him.He is the one to blame,he went in Jeju without telling me why,then he comes back all of a sudden and thinks i'm cheating on him!Why would i do that?I never cheated on him before,why would i do it now?He doesn't have trust in me,thats whats hurting me the most.But i miss him,i admit that.Dong tried talking to me,but later he realized its not worth.I'm not worth his or Jinhwan's time.The only person i've been talking to is Daehyun.I feel like i can tell him everything,i have trust in him.He is a nice guy,i quess i was lucky to meet him.

''And now,please welcome HI Suhyun!'' The guy on the TV said,interrupting my thoughts.I stared blankly as two pretty girl came and sat next to iKON members.The first girl sat next to Hanbin,i didn't know her.But the other one sat next to Jinhwan.I looked a bit closer and saw that girl that likes him.She smiled innocently and bowed.I clenched my fists,i was so mad.Jinhwan smiled at her too,he knew this was going live.He knew i was watching.

''So,Soo Hyun,during WIN when you were asked to chose between Team A and Team B,you said Jinhwan.Why?''

I felt my heart skip a beat.That little-

''Because i liked Jinhwan oppa the most.He has a nice voice,he can dance really well,and he was definetly my favourite!'' Jinhwan smiled,but it wasn't his fake smile.I knew when he was happy,he knew how to show it.

''Jinhwan,what do you think about Soo Hyun?'' I stared curiously at the screen.I wondered what will he say.

''I think he is a really nice girl.She has a good voice and we often talk and hang out during the break.We are really close and-'' I turned off the TV and threw the remote conrol.I sat on the floor and hugged myself.How can he do that?I'll never forgive him for this.Never.

I went to my room and changed my clothes.I locked the house and went out.Althought it was dark,i wasn't scared.I needed dark.I needed to be lonely.

Why did we let this happen?We were so happy back then.But we were just high school kids who didn't know what love is.Is what the two of us feel even love?If it is,why did we let this happen to us?Our relationship was perfect,but look at it now.Fighting,lying,secretly having friends,ignoring each other.I never wanted us to be like this.Life ruined us.But its our fault,instead of fighting,we simply let everything go.Maybe he doesn't love me that much now.Maybe his feeling changed.He got used on me,so it was empty when he left me.He was lonely,but now with Soo Hyun,he is better,i can see tha.Maybe i should let him go.This is hurting me too mcuh.

I sat on the bench all alone,enjoying the silence.

We used to love, please don't make me cry
To me, it's only you
When I close my eyes, I see you – when I block my ears, I hear you
Please don't leave me

I sang quietly.I stayed the whole night,singing.I had no idea what time it is,i forgot my phone.When one man was massing by,i stood up and stopped him.

''Excuse me,do you know what time is it?'' I asked politely.He took out his phone and unlocked it.

''2AM' He said.I thanked him and sat back on the bench.I can imagine Dong searching for me and calling me.I was sorry for him,he always had to take care of me.I hated myself for being such a burden to him.

''What the fuck are you doing here?'' Someone yelled from afar.I sighed,but I didn't move.I didn't care about anything,i wanted to be alone.Why can't they let me be alone for once?

''Answer me,Hye Na!'' He suddenly appeared in front of me.I stood up and stared blankly at him.

''Don't pretend you care.Now go please,don't let Soo Hyun wait'' I said coldly and walked past him,but he took my hand.

''I don't care about her,i want to talk to you.''

''Lets end this'' I said,breaking the silence.He gripped my hand and stood in front of me.I winced,he was too strong for me.

''What the fuck are you saying?Are you crazy?''

''Yes,i am.I'm tired of this,Jinhwan.I can't,I'm sorry.You don't trust me,you lie me,and the most important - you hurt me.Its killing me,you're killing me!'' I felt tears build in my eyes as I spoke.

''You need to listen to me carefully,okay?'' He let my hand and put his right hand on my cheek,wiping my tears.

''No'' I shook my head.but he held my face with both of his hands.

''Listen to me.I have trust in you.I didn't lie you.I had reasons for everything i did.I went to Jeju because my mom got in an accident,so i went to see her.I didn't want to tell you because you would be worried.You would leave everything here and go with me.About Soo Hyun,you didn't hear everything right?Next time let me finish the sentence.I said that we are close and that she is like my sister,while you are my girlfriend.I wouldn't do something like that to you.But I smiled at her,just to tease you,I admit that.But I'm sorry if I hurted you this much,it wasn't my plan.I'm sorry.I love you more than anyone,but I need you to understand me as well.Can you do that?'' I looked at his eyes and saw only sincerity in them.He was honest,he didn't lie to me.I felt so stupid for not believing him.I felt like a fool.He had family problems,while I was selfish enough just to care about myself.

I stared at him,not knowing what to say.I felt ashamed of myself,of my stupid actions.Suddenly,he hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe.I heard his sobs as he buried his head in my neck.

''Don't leave me like this.I'm not ready to let you go.But if you really want it,at least let me hold you tonight when I need you the most.''He whispered.He needed me,but I wasn't there.Everytime i needed a shoulder,he was there.I don't deserve to have him.He is too good for me,I'm nothing but a fool.

''I don't hate you.I'm not mad at you.I was jealous ,I didn't want anyone to have you.You are only mine,remember that.Even if you break up with ne tonight,i'll stalk you forever'' He laughed cutely and choked on his tears.I felt sorry,I wanted to help.He was broken,I could feel that in his voice.

''Its late,Jinhwan.Lets go somewhere,we can't stay here" He nodded and took my hand.

''Lets go to my house'' We walked slowly to his house.He unlocked the doors and came in first,not letting my hand.

''Are you-"

''No,Jinhwan,I'm not'' I smiled.He always asks me if I'm hungry,but sometimes he is overreacting.

We went to his room upstairs.I laid on his bed and closed my eyes.

''Your bed is still so comfy'' I said as I felt him lay beside me.Suddenly,he kissed me.I opened my eyes in shock,but I kissed him back.I felt my whole body became numb when his hand went under my shirt.He broke the kiss to take my shirt off,but he continued shortly after.I put my hands around his neck and smiled in the kiss.I felt my cheek became red when i realized how far this was going.I quickly pushed him and stood up to put my shirt back on.I breathed heavily and covered my face.

''Babe,are you okay?'' I felt him standing behind me.I shook my hand and wiped my tears.''Look at me'' He said softly and made me face him.

''Is everything okay?'' I shook my head once again.

''I'm sorry,i can't do this.I'm not the girl you deserve.I don't have a good body,b-''

''I don't care''He interrupted me.''For me,you are perfect the way you are.No one can compare to you,okay?To me,there's no girl in this world that is better than you.And I'm sorry,I went too far.None of us is ready,we're still young'' He kissed me gently,relaxing me.I felt better after his words.I broke the kiss and smiled.

I'm happy I didn't break up with him.If I did,I wouldn't be so happy.How can he make me feel better with few words?Maybe I don't deserve him,but at least I love him more than anyone else in this world.

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C\V<3