Thought Of You~ Tronnor

Kiss Me ~11

I am so fucking confused.

In anger and sadness, I bring my fist down into the pillow I'm hugging.

"I," I sob, not caring who can hear. "Hate," I continue to punch the pillow. "This."

Buzz.

There's text coming through constantly on my phone. I know who they're from, so I ignore them.

Ring,

Ring

For fucks sake, does he not get the hint that I don't want to talk to him, or anyone right now?

Ring.

Fed up of the noise filling my room, I snatch up my phone and press answer. I don't bother checking who it is, certain it is Connor.

"What the fuck do you want?" I say, maybe a tad too harsh.

"I- Hello to you too." I hear Korey reply, sounding offended.

Yup, I was wrong.

"Oh- Korey I'm sorry, I thought you- I thought you were Connor." I apologise, instantly feeling bad.

"It's fine, Connor told me to tell you he's coming over. He's sorry for- I don't even know what for but yeah, bye Troye." He says quickly before hanging up.

"Fuck!" I shout, throwing the pillow against the wall and standing up.

"Why the fuck is he coming here? I can't run away if he comes here."

Knock.

There's a tiny knock at my bedroom door, and I take a much needed deep breathe before opening it to see my Mom.

"Hey sweetie, there's someone downstairs for you." She tells me nervously, sensing my anger.

"That'll be Connor, love you Mom." I tell her, heading excruciatingly slowly down the stairs.

"Hello." I bluntly greet the form standing by the door.

"Hi. Look, Troye, can we talk?" He pleads, fiddling with his hands and meeting my eyes.

How can I still be so attracted to him?

"Sure," I sigh in defeat. "Let's go to my room."

Turning around before he can reply, I make my way back to my room and he follows suit. Closing the door behind him he awkwardly stands there as I sit back on my bed.

"So..." I usher him on, sorting out the messy blue quilt and pillows.

"Troye- Please listen to me. I... I don't know why I agreed. I guess I- I was scared of what they'd do if I didn't. You know how harsh they are Troye!" He sobs. His eyes never leave the carpeted floor.

"I didn't realise I had done it until I was stepping away from you. It was like- like the fear took over me. I've never felt so guilty- Troye, I'll do anything. Just please forgive me. I hate myself for it, I really do. I know I'm terrible and I don't deserve forgiveness but- but I can't- I need you." He's full-on sobbing now. His face red and his eyes puffy.

God damn it. I should be more understanding. He's so sad, he didn't really mean it. Of course he didn't. He was with the people who he's most afraid of. They made him do it.

I feel a huge pang of guilt in my chest and I see his hopeless, saddened eyes. His eyes used to be so bright and green. I've made them so dull and lifeless. I need to fix this.

"Connor. Come here." I whisper,  trying my hardest not to cry with him.

Tentatively, he makes his way to my bed and I gesture for him to sit next to me. I've never seen someone look so scared and vulnerable. So I do the first thing that comes to mind.