It's been nearly 3 months of tour and 2 weeks since I broke. I'm not even remotely cracked. I am completely broken. My emotions don't show neither does my existence. Everyone around my is so scared to talk and I'm to scared to live. The fans think I'm dead because of my lack of communication to the world. The boys avoid me, they don't talk to me, they don't look at me and if we're in the same room as each other they end up walking out.
Niall. What a poor soul.
He's still with me for some reason beyond the powers of God. We no longer interact with each other instead we just look. I honestly don't know why he's still with me.
The tour is no longer a fun place to be neither is the world. Life on the tour bus is awkward and almost depressing. All I do with my day is lie in my bunk staring at the ceiling. The 5sos boys have made countless attempts of bringing me back to society but when they do so I run. I literally run. No on knows we're I go and most of the time I don't know either. The day after I broke Niall sent me to the doctors and all they done was gave me more tablets and gave me a therapist. I'm not going to lie I haven't been to the therapist only because we are traveling and each week I would be telling my problems to a different person. And just the thought of that makes me sick. Instead I tell all my problems to our bus driver. I know it sounds weird but he listens and I find that comforting. I know if I sat down with Niall he would also listen but just being able to tell someone who I only see when I choose to makes it a whole lot easier.
"Look what the cat dragged in" Joe laughed as I walked into the driving pit. I closed the soundproof door behind me And sat down in the passenger seat. The front of this bus was like a RV so that's why there is two seats up front.
"You haven't killed your self yet?" He asked. I know it sounds rude what he says to be honest I've got use to it because I know at the end of the day he'll still listen to me. That's what I love about Joe. He's like the Dad I've never had, he's 43 and had a huge belly and no hair.
"Not just yet, I can't afford the funeral yet"
"So what do you want to talk about tonight miss. Kim" he asked. I sighed and looked out the window and up at the night sky.
"I need to change" I thought out loud after a minute.
"No shit Sherlock"
I said nothing but carried on looking out the window.
"How can so many things look the exact same but look beautiful in their own way?" I said to my self still looking at the stars.
"Because they all have different faults" Joe replied in a heartbeat.
"How long have you been wanting to say that?" I asked, if I was feeling any different I would of laughed but instead I rolled my eyes.
"For quite a while actually, I looked it up on tumblr a few nights back" he sarcastically replied.
"But seriously, I agree you need to change. Sure you being depressed was cool for a while man but now your dragging down the spirits. So many young girls look up to you and here you are promoting depression. That's not right man" I couldn't of agreed more to what Joe had said. And it instantly made me smile. The first smile I have had on my face in a while. I needed go apologies to everyone. One by one in my own personal way. Of course I wasn't just gonna snap out of depression straight away but I was willing to try it slowly. We didn't talk for the rest of the night instead he drove and I was on Twitter. I looked though all my fan pages and it made me smile seeing how much support I've got and it's literally made realise a lot more that I need to change.
"Thankyou Joe" I said standing up from my seat and heading towards the door.
"Any time kiddo"
I quietly closed the door behind me and made my way to Niall's bunk. Without even thinking I crawled into his bunk. I snuggled up to his side making him move slightly so his arm was around me.
"Grace?" He questioned looking down at me.
"Shh don't question it just sleep" I said back looking up to face him in the dark. Although it was pitch black I could tell he was smiling. He pulled me closer to him kissing my forehead.
**********
I woke up the next morning to an empty bunk. I yawed and crawled out. But it turns out I wasn't in my bunk but instead I was in Niall's which was a higher than mine and I hadn't worked that out until I was ass flat on the floor. I mumbled multiple curse words under my breath before walking to the kitchen were Niall and Liam were. Niall smiled and I smiled back making Liam becoming complete confused. Niall opened his arms and then gave me a questioning look as if he was asking if I was comfortable enough to start showing effect again. I suppose I need to start somewhere. Straight away I was on his lap and kissing his cheek.
"Good mornin love" he smiled back at me hugging me tightly. Liam was still sat on the other side of the table looking confused as fuck.
"Mornin" I said with an almost smile.
But before he could reply Louis butted in
"OH MY GOD CHARLIE! YOU ALIVE! I MISSED YOU!" He instantly pulled me from Nialls lap and into a hug. Due to the loud noises the other lads slowly started to emerge from their bunks all giving me questioning looks. When everyone was here I made Niall get everyone's attention. They all stopped what they were doing and looked at me
"Erm, I dunno what to say apart from sorry." I sheepishly said looking down at my lap.
"Thankgod your okay" Zayn said giving me a high five which quickly lead to a group hug.
Tonight was the first out of three London shows meaning we got to go home and sleep on a non-moving bed. My original plan for when I got home was to go and see a therapist but I've decided I'm not going. I want to get better by my self. No therapist and no tablets. Yes I know it's going to be hard as fuck but I want to do it. Instead when I get home I'm going to throw out my remaining blades and tablets. Niall is not fully for the idea but I've told him it's what I want to do and he told me he will be strong and supportive.
"Just be back at the venue at 3 on Monday yeah?" The tour manager told us looking down at every single one of us. We all nodded are heads in understanding and said our goodbyes.
"Bye Joe " I smiled giving him a huge hug.
"I'll see you soon kid" he said ruffling up my already messy hair.
" I'm always here if you want to talk" he said before pulling Niall in for a hug who was beside me.
"Now.-" I said turning towards Niall "- drive me home" I sternly joked jumping on his back making him stumble slightly but I wasn't offended. He laughed before heading to the car and pulling off down the road. After a 30 minute drive which consisted of us singing along terribly to the charts radio we pulled up to the house. When the door opened we were fronted with lots of letters all piled up at the door. We both started picking them up until one caught my eye mainly because it was the only one with my name on. I held the neat cream envelope and stood up and walked into the kitchen leaving Niall to pick everything else up.
'Miss C. G. Kim' and our address was printed on to the front in neat hand writing.
I opened the letter and almost died at the logo. London Fashion Week was printed across the top. I quickly but carefully read through the letter and started screaming.
"Babe?!" Niall rushed in looking shit scared. No words seemed to form so I just shoved the letter in to his chest. I watched is expression turn from confusion to proud. He carefully placed the later on the counter and then pulled me off the floor.
"CONGRATULATIONS BABE" he cheered before pulling me into a long passionate kiss. This is the first time me and Niall have kissed probably since my nightmares started and honestly it feels so good. I pulled away before placing my hands on his chest and looking up at him like a child.
"Let's celebrate!" I cheered and started to dance around
"What do you want to do?" He asked
"Surprise me!" I said excitedly. I honestly felt like such a child right now. He thought for a moment before looking down at me
"You better go get ready then babe" he winked before rushing me upstairs.
