Brick by Brick

Part Two

Chapter Two

Joel paced the room a few times before he spoke, all the while trying to muster the strength to respond to her, "I'll be anything you need me to be for her."

Sammy scoffed at that, "I haven't seen you since his funeral. You didn't call, you haven't visited. You haven't cared."

He nodded, "I didn't think you needed me."

"You owed it to Marcus." She was shaking her head indignantly, pain so evident on her face.

Joel stared at her for a moment, "you're right. I did. I should have..." He ran a hand through his hair, "it's been difficult."

She gave a small sharp laugh, "you don't have to tell me that! I have been through it all..." When he sighed she added, "I am a widow...after four months. Do you have any idea what that feels like?"

Shaking his head he felt his head hang. But Sammy wasn't taking any prisoners, "you KNEW him, you could help me...and you were meant to be her godfather." There was such sadness in her words, she sounded so defeated that it tore at his heart. He watched her bottom lip quiver for a moment, then she pulled herself to his feet, "I can't do this. You don't care."

At that he saw red; he'd lived in limbo for the last year, not able to get over losing Marcus, and not knowing what to do. But he was sick of being blamed, sick of it always being his fault. Without thinking he leaned across the desk, hands braced firmly as he thrust his head towards her, "he was my best friend. He was EVERYTHING to me! I lost half of ME too, we were like brothers. I have my grief too."

She shook her head, "so that excuses you running away? Deserting me? You promised that you'd be there for Marcus, I thought that extended to me too."

He wanted to scream but the sight of the still sleeping baby silenced that, "how can I be anything for you if I can't be anything for me? I've been lost too. I've not known what to do. Was there room in your life for someone to leach YOUR strength? Did you have time and energy to comfort me to let me grieve? Because I sure as hell needed someone too...I was bringing anything to the table, I can assure you of that."

"We could have grieved together!"

He sighed, "that's not true. You were having a baby; you needed positive people around you."

"Maybe, but I needed someone who knew him, someone who could remind me of why I loved him. You were the only one..."

He shook his head, "you had his family for that. I wasn't up to that, not me. You didn't need ME sitting moping in the corner of the room, snapping at everyone and wondering WHY THE HELL someone like him had to be in that taxi, why MY best friend had to die the EXACT same why that my parents did."

A hushed silence swept across the room as Sammy stared at Joel, face red with anger, eyes filled with tears. She'd never realised that his parents had died, and definitely not that it was in a car crash.

"Sorry," he murmured turning away from her. She knew that he was embarrassed, that he hadn't wanted her to see him like that, to see into his tortured soul, because that was what she's seen.

She moved around the desk and placed a hand on his arm, "no, it's ME that's sorry. Joel. Please."

His eyes dropped to her hand, then finally lifted to meet her gaze, "I shouldn't have said that..."

"No, I shouldn't have taken out my anger on you. It's just been such a hard time."

Joel's smile was both sad and understanding, "I didn't think I could make things any easier for you."