Brick by Brick

Part Thirty Eight

Chapter Thirty Eight

The Whittled Willow was a new restaurant in the large imposing seafront hotel in a nearby and busy resort town. Sammy hadn't been there, but the opening a few months earlier had caused quite a stir. Bookings were being taken at least six weeks in advance, which may not have been much in London, but in this region was unheard of.

Fortunately, and quite by chance, one of Corinne's newest clients was the wife of the much acclaimed chef, hence the table at such short notice.

"I feel out of place here," she whispered as they followed the host to their table, tucked away in the corner of the large dining room.

Joel's hand at the small of her back pressed a little firmer as he leaned forward to say quietly into her ear, "you would not look out of place anywhere."

Smiling with a confidence that she didn't entirely feel she slid into the seat when the host pulled out her chair. Joel, relaxed and smiling, lowered himself opposite then accepted the wine menu.

"Red or white?"

She shrugged, "I don't mind."

"Shall we go white with starters?" When she nodded he called out a few different wines, and she nodded when he selected one. Then their waiter arrived and read out the specials and answered their questions. They ordered, and then the wine arrived and was poured, meaning that it was twenty minutes before they were alone.

"So you've taken off your rings?"

It wasn't what she expected him to say, but she wasn't surprised. "Yes. I should have a long time ago. I've put them away, for Eleanor."

He toyed with his glass, his finger chasing the condensation around the wine filled bowl, "I didn't want..." He shook his head, "I don't want to think that you're doing that because you feel you have to."

She shook her head, "I'm not married now, and as I keep telling you, I am happy and ready to move on. I have to."

Dropping his head for a moment he took a few deep breaths, then lifted his head to look at her, "you sure?"

She nodded, "what about you?"

He ran a hand over his eyes, "I don't know. I want to...but he's here," he patted his chest. "He always has been."

"He's there for me too, but I can love him without putting everything on hold."

"How can I ever live up to him though?"

She paused as their starters arrived, scallops for her, smoked salmon for him, then asked, "live up to him how? To me?"

He was contemplative for a moment, "all things. For you yes. I mean everything we do, everything I say...it'll all be a comparison to him."

Smiling sadly she offered, "I can't remember how it felt to kiss him anymore, I can't even imagine how it feels to have his arms around me. I can barely remember his voice." She smiled, "but I remember how you kissed, I remember how that felt, how close we got at your apartment, and how much I wanted it.

"In the beginning I felt guilty, not because I kissed you, I enjoyed that, but because I didn't think of him as I kissed you. When you touched me, I only knew you. That's why I was so...avoidant."

"Really?" his eyes were studying her intently.

Sammy nodded, "really. So you have no fear that you have to prove anything to me."

"He was everything to me, brother, friend, colleague..."

"What and you can't fill those roles with other people?"