Brick by Brick

Part Thirty Four

Chapter Thirty Four

The following morning Sammy waved to Clifford as he headed off in his rather large yet sleek black car. Eleanor in her arms waved with her own toothy grin too. It had been a full two days, what with encouraging him and Eleanor to become better acquainted, whilst also keeping her mother happy and cared for.

Now that he had gone the days leading up to Christmas seemed to stretch out in front of her. Corinne and Mike were coming for lunch, and whilst her mother was planning to visit in the morning to see Ellie with her gifts, she was having lunch at a pub near her home. She was feeling up to a more raucous Christmas. They'd discussed that she'd feel tired, but she was happy to visit for a while then head home to sleep. For Sammy it was the first sign that the old Monica was coming back, and that wasn't something to chastise or be angry about. She missed her mother's feistiness.

The only thing that would make that complete would be Joel arriving. The previous Christmas she'd been almost nine months pregnant, devastated, heartbroken, a mess. She'd been hidden in her marital home not opening the door to anyone, eating ice cream and crying. She needed this time, this year to be better, and for that she needed contact with her friends, she needed to be more than she had been the previous Christmas.

An hour later, Eleanor had fallen asleep in her cot, and Sammy was sat alone in the lounge, confused, anxious...unable to settle. She knew what she had to do. So she picked up her phone and dialled the number.

It went straight to answer phone of course, and the voice that travelled into her ear made her drop to her knees on the phone.

"Hi, you've reached the phone of Marcus Turner. Sorry I can't take your call, I'm probably extremely busy. Have you seen my wife?" She gasped as she always had when she heard that message, he sounded so...him, funny, light-hearted, oozing his easy going charisma. Her heart swelled.

When he first died she'd called this phone almost constantly, sobbing to the sound of that voice. But today it wasn't quite as dramatic.

As the automated voice asked her to leave a message after the tone, she took a deep breath.

"Marcus." She gave a little sob, this was harder than she ever imagined. "There's not a day that passes when I don't miss you. Terribly, horribly. I wish I had more to bargain with, I wish there was something I could do to make you walk back in the room, in to our lives, but I've spent months realising that it will never happen. It's been hard...it is hard. But I have to let this go, I have to let you go." She swiped at a tear, "not you, not what happened, not what you meant to me. But the position you hold to me. No one could ever replace you, I'm not saying that, but I have to let go of the dream that you'll walk through that door, that you'll be everything to me ever again.

"I don't intend to forget you, I mean every time Eleanor looks at me I see you, she has that same sparkle in her eye. It breaks my heart...but it makes me feel close to you again. And that's just one of the many reasons that I love her so much. And I know you'd love her, to distraction. One night I dreamt about her and you...she was nine and wanted to get her ears pierced. I said no, but the two of you...you ganged up on me, she only had to look at you and you were on her side."

She gulped, "that was exactly how I envisaged a daughter would be to you. You had so much love to give...and that spoiled me too. But anyway, I've got close to Joel. I don't know what you'd think about that. We're both scared, and for a long time I didn't know what I wanted or why. I'm not sure if he's going to be someone special to me. But I do feel ready to try that. That means saying goodbye to you.

"I'm hoping to spend time with Joel, try to find out whether we have something to work on. There's still a chance that I am just seeing him as someone who cares for me, looks out for me. Like you did. If that's the case, I'm not about to throw myself at someone else...but I'll maybe be open to it. You know?"