A Not So Perfect Life.

Different.

It had been just like I expected. Right when I took my first step on the concrete people stared. People were pointing and exchanging whispers. I wouldn't blame them either. I had black hair, black eye liner, black lip stick, a gothic sweatshirt, black pants, black shirts, heck even my earings were black! 

I felt like I had finally matched my character. And who knows, maybe after changing like this people will start to notice my pain. I walked straight into the school. People were still staring at me. People were probably going to gossip about me for a while. I walked up towards Nathan and Shelly while they were standing near Nathan's locker because I had actually gotten there early so I was able to hang out for a bit. 

Shelly was facing the other way and Nathan was facing my way. As soon as he glanced my way his mouth dropped open. His eyes became wider. Shelly noticed his shocked expression and looked my way. They both ran towards me. "Becky, what happened!" Shelly yelled. "Well, the last day of Fall Break I had nothing else to do, so I decided to dye my hair and well I had black clothes so I wanted a look that would match my character, you like it?" I said. "But, your old look was so pretty, your blonde hair was perfect! Oh how could we let this happen!" she shreaked. I scowled "As my friends I thought you guys would support my decision," I said crossing my arms. "That doesn't mean we can't complement the way you were before," Nathan said. "Guys, this won't change my personality, I'm still me, just a different appearance," I said. "What did your mom say about this?" he asked. "She was shocked at first, but then she was cool with it," I answered firmly. "Oh I should have hung out with you that day, then you wouldn't have done this!" he said. That was it.

I was tired. I just rolled my eyes and walked away from them. I was still there friends. But I needed their support, and they weren't giving any. I walked over to my locker and put my books in my hands and walked to my first period class. I was pretty early. "Hello..." I said. "Oh, um hi....Miss Thorns!?" my teacher said in shock. "What?" I asked. "You just um, changed appearance a lot, is there a reason?" my teacher asked. "Yeah I changed appearance, and yeah there's a reason, but I'm not going to tell you, you wouldn't care anyway, you never have," I said and then walked over to my seat. Minutes later everyone came running in. All of them stopped in their tracks when they saw me and then just sat down. They still stared at me. "Everyone, stop staring at Becky and do the warm up!" my teacher demanded. Everyone went straight to work. The girl next to me kept writing me notes.

"What happened?" "Why are you like this?" "So you're goth now?" and things like that. I told her I just wanted to match my character. Hey maybe this look will let everyone notice me. Maybe I will finally fit in with everyone, maybe I'll get help. Maybe if people feel sympathy for me I won't be bullied any longer. All this misery will go away!

As I was walking in the hallway I was slammed against a locker. Nope. There was still one group of people who would always bully me. I bet that if I died they would still make fun of me. "Hey, what's with the new get-up?" Faith asked. "That is none of your business," I said. "Oh, I see, you felt so loserly that you went and dressed all gothic so that people would feel sympathy for you, well guess what, just because you've changed your appearance doesn't mean that you're anything different, you are still a loser, you are still fat, you are still worthless, the only difference is, is now you're some emo bitch," she snarled. Ouch. That really hurt. "No, that isn't it all, don't judge me if you don't know my story," I said tearing up. "Or what? Are you gonna blast your gothic music in my ear?" she asked rudely. "Or you will grow up feeling terrible about what you did to me,"  I warned. She bursted out laughing. "Oh you are just hilarious, that's not that big of a threat, I'll just forget about it, after highschool I'm going to cut out every picture of you in the yearbook, post them on youtube and I'll write rude comments for every picture and then everyone will laugh at you, everyone will know how much of a loser and wimp you are," she said. "At least everyone will soon start to realize how much of a bitchy bully you are," I said back to her. "What will I care?" she asked.

I ripped away from them and ran towards the bathroom. "Yeah, run fatty!" Hannah yelled. I ran into the restroom and didn't look back. I looked myself in the mirror. Waterfalls of tears streamed down my face faster then a cheetah, a rocket, and the speed of light combined. That was it. I opened a door to a stall and walked in. I sat down on my knees. Was I about to do this? Yes I was. Slowly I pushed and pushed my finger down my throat. I could feel it coming. Before I knew it I was throwing up in the toilet. It didn't taste good at all, but I didn't want to be fat any longer. After I was done I felt so proud and ashamed of myself at the same time.

I put my back against the wall and dropped to the floor. My face was buried in my knees and I was crying like crazy. Nobody likes me (Other then Nathan and Shelly). I don't deserve Shelly and Nathan's friendship, I was too unpopular. Shelly was pretty enough to be a "Perfect". So why does she hang out with me? I'm not giving up yet, but I feel so lost. So lonely. So unloved. I just wanted to skip school today. This pain was too much to handle.

I decided to walk out of the bathroom. My mascara was probably all over my face. Luckily no one was at the front desk at the moment. I walked straight out of the doors. I opened my car door and got in. I drove to my house really quickly. My mom would probably get a call. People would wonder where I was at school. But it was worth it to skip it today. I would just get my feelings hurt again.

After a while of laying on the couch I decided to do something very risky, very naughty. People always said it makes you feel better, that was all I needed at the moment. Of course I was underage but what was wrong with me just having a bottle or two? I walked to the fridge and opened a beer.

This was it.This would be my first taste ever. I took a sip. As soon as it touched my tongue It felt so good. I stopped drinking and looked at it. "Hmm...this is pretty good stuff," I said nodding my head. I took it over to the couch. I turned on the Tv. Luckily my favorite show was on, Glee. I liked that show because I could really relate to some of the people on that show. Everyone gets in fights at some points but they all work together and defend each other. Plus the singing is good too. This show is one of the reasons I'm not giving up, it's so inspirational.

After two episodes I was done with my beer and I was feeling better. I walked outside and threw it in the back trashcan because I didn't want my mom to know I was drinking. Then I walked inside and paced around wondering what to do.

Just to stall I decided to hop in a shower. The water trickled down my spine and it felt so warm and good. I loved it when I was in the shower. That was when I could escape from life. Where I could forget about my sorrows for a while. After I dried myself and hopped into my pajamas I weighed myself. 115 pounds. Was it good enough? Ugh for now I guess. But not for long.

What would I do? Hmm.... I walked into my room and started listening to music. Listening to music was another thing that I loved. I could just relax and listen to all of the songs. My room was pink. That didn't match my character at all. Ooo I have an idea! I went downstairs to fetch some black paint. Luckily there was a lot left over and I dragged it all the way upstairs. I wasn't going to paint it today. Do you know how messy I would get? No I would wait for the right time.

Well, there was still a lot of time until my mom got home so I decided just to lay in bed and think.

Wow I'm so different.