A Not So Perfect Life.

More Fall BREAK!

There I was. Sitting up on my bed. Writting more dark poems. They weren't the best poems but they helped be express my feeling. Besides, it's not like anyones going to read them.

 Life is a Bitch.

Life has it's thicks and thins

Life has challenges

Life can either be good or bad

Life can do whatever it wants to you

Life is just good luck or bad luck

Life is a bitch

Life will always be that way.

Okay I wasn't the best poet. Who cares? I liked to write dark poems. They were my poems. No one can judge me.

When people are pulling you down and making you feel like crap

Who's there to help?

When all you do is cry all day 

Who's there to help?

When all you want to do is hide under the covers and escape from life

Who's there to help?

When life is at its worst moments

Who's there to help?

Oh, yeah right.

No one.

Okay that wasn't entirely true because well lots of people had good friends and family like I have Kaitlyn, my mom, Shelly, and Nathan. But not one ever notices other than that. No one tries to ever stop it at school. The teachers and kids all just sit there and watch...or laugh.

A tear almost escaped my eye when Nathan walked in. I jumped. "Oh, Nathan, I didn't know you were coming over," I said scratching my head nervously. "Well, I guess it was a surprise," he said smiling. "So...um... how did you get in exactly?" I asked. "Your mom let me in," he replied instantly. "Oh.." I said. 

He walked around my room for a while. "Nice place," he murmured. "Oh uh thanks," I said. He stopped and looked at each of my dark posters for a while. "You've got some very dark posters..." he said awkwardly. "Oh yeah, they were my um...sisters," I said lying. "So Is there a reason you are snooping around my room?" I asked. "No, just curious," he said and then came and sat down with his hands in his pockets. He saw me writing in my journal. "What's that you got there?" he asked. "Oh..um...nothing," I said tugging it behind my backpack. "I'm not that stupid, obviously it's something," he said. "Fine, it's a journal filled with all of the poems that I have wrote," I admitted. It felt good to tell the truth. "Cool," he said, "mind if I look at the poems," he said. "Yes, I mind very much," I said.

He chuckled. "You're kidding, right?" My face had a serious expression. "Do I look like I was kidding?" I asked him. He shook his head.  We didn't speak for about thirty seconds. "But I don;t undesrtand, why am I not allowed to read them?" he asked. "Because they're private," I said. "Private as in they are bad, or as in there is something about you that no one knows about?" he asked. "None of your business," I said. 

He gave up. He quietly walked into my closet and started looking around. I wanted to ask why he did that but I just let him go ahead. That was a huge mistake. "What are these?" he asked pulling out three hangers. Each with a shirt that showed the belly. "Shirts, duh!" I said. "Don't play dumb with me, these are shirts that show your belly aren't they?" he asked. "Yes and what about them?" I asked walking up to him and trying to grab them but he didn't let me. "It's not necessarily about them, you lied to Shelly and me and said that you didn't have any of these," he said with his voice getting louder. "Calm down, it's just shirts, why are you getting so mad?" I asked. "I deserve an explaination," he said. "Fine, my shirts that showed my belly were all in the drier, now give them back to me," I demanded. I was starting to get annoyed. "You are lying," he said. I crossed my eyes and looked at him. "Fine, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gotten so mad over this," he said sitting on the bed and putting his face into his hands. 

I sat down next to him and put a hand on his back. "It's okay, I probably would have reacted the same way," I said. "Really?" he asked. "Yeah, and I appreciate you just trying to be a good friend," I said. That made him smile.

All of the sudden my sister Kaitlym walked inside my room without being invited. "Hey you two, what's going on?" she asked delightfully. "Nothing really," we said at the exact same time. "You two doing all right?" she asked. We nodded.

I saw Nathan take a look at my posters. Don't say it. Don't say it. Too late. Crap. "Hey Kaitlyn, I like the posters you gave to Becky," he said. Oh great, "What posters?' she asked looking confused. "Those posters over there," he said pointing to my wall with three posters. "Those? Oh no, trust me I would have never given her something like that, I don't know what you're talking about," she said. "Oh really?" Nathan asked looking at me as in You're BUSTED!   "Well you know, it was a really great time talking to you all, bye," she said walking out the door.

As soon as she shut the door he got up. "I can't believe you've been lying to me like this," he said. "But Nathan, you don't understand," I said quietly, looking at him. "Well I'm pretty sure I might understand if you would just explain," he said. "I can't do that, It's complicated," I said. "Well if you won't tell me then how would I be able to help, isn't that what friends are for?" he asked. I just stayed silent. "There's just one thing I want to see if you're lying about or not," he said. "What is that?" I asked. "I'm not going to tell you, you won't like it, but you have to let me do it because you won't explain, it's only fair," he said. 

"Okay, fine, just get it over with," I said. He walked over to me and picked me up over his shoulders. What the hell was he doing? I kept hearing thumps, we were probably walkiing downstairs. I tried not to get mad or worried. But I couldn't help it.

Then the next second we were outside. I could see the sky and the sunlight. Then something unexpected happened. Splash! I was in the water. My clothes were drenched with water.  I shot up out of the water and began to swim. "What the hell? It's so cold in here," I said shivering. "Aha, so you can swim!" he yelled. "Um....well....no...well....fine, yes," I stuttered  "Gosh, you just can't stop lying, or you trying to lose friends?" he asked. "No," I said sitting on the steps of the pool, I was shivering. 

There was just one mistake I made. My sleeve was rolled down all the way to my elbow. I hadn't noticed it at first. His eyes grew larger. His both dropped open. "Are thhooosee sccarrrs?" he asked stuttering. My mouth dropped open. I kept looking at Nathan and my scars back in fourth. I quickly pulled my sleeve up and got out of the pool. Before I could answer he grabbed my wrist. "Let go!" I commanded. He ignored me and pulled down my sleeve. "Those are scars, aren't they?" he asked. "Fine, yes," I said. "Those are some pretty deep and bad scars," he said. "Yeah, I made them like that," I said. "Are you a cutter?" he asked curiously. I just kept silent. "I'll take that as a yes," he said. "Yes, I'm a cutter, you happy?" I said angrily. "Why didn't you tell anyone about this?" he asked. "Because I didn't want anyone to find out about it, at least not yet," I said. "Why?" he asked. "Well it's kind of private, and if every one knew, think of how much more I'd be bullied," I said. "So why do you cut anyway?" he asked. "I didn't want to tell, but If I must, then so be it, well you see I've been getting bullied a lot in highschool, Faith and all the others have tortured me, one night , I would cry myself to sleep, I would get bullying messages, I'd get physically bullied, verbually bullied, I just couldn't take it anymore, so I started cutting myself, I was always insecure about my self and how I looked, I don't think I'm anorexic but I think I might get it soon," I explained slowly. "So that's why you never wanted to wear a bathing suits or short sleeves shirts?' he asked. "Yes," I said,

"Wow, I always knew there was something different about you, I never thought it be this," he said. "Well surprises are surprises," I said. "So what are you going to do?" he asked. "Cut more," I said. His jaw dropped. "But Beck-" I interrupted him "I know it's bad for me, but right now it's just like an addiction, you can go home if you want to now," I said. "I want to stay though," he said. "That was actually just a signal for you to go home, not that I don't like you, because trust me I do like you a lot as a friend, but I just need some a lone time," I said. "Um...okay..." he said awkwardly. He walked out of the backyard and out of the house. I grabbed a towel, took a shower, cut, wrote poems, and went to bed.