Disallowed ⇔ Matty Healy

Chapter 18

~Matty~

I hadn't slept a wink last night. Constantly tossing and turning. My thoughts keeping me awake to torment me.

The early morning sun shone through the blinds, irritating me further. But I wasn't ready to get up and face the world just yet.

I needed a plan. Something to do to keep me away from Dells.

Me and Della hadn't really spoke much after we came back into the house early this morning. Other than saying night to each other. And that was awkward enough between us. I even went out of my way to wait up an extra half an hour just so I didn't risk bumping into her upstairs.

All of the things that could have gone wrong from me coming to live here and being a part of this family, I never once thought it would be something so outrages as this. I've been here a couple of days, and already it's fucked up.

The kiss. That fucking, stupid kiss. I know it was wrong. I'm not stupid. It could even be classed as sick to some people. I'm now supposed to be classed as a part of this family. The new kid. Their new kid. But I can't seem to stop myself thinking about it. I can't get it out of my head. It keeps playing over and over again.

One minute I'm disgusted. I'm seeing it the same way everyone else would - it's wrong. But then I catch myself in a day dream, it playing over in my mind. Finding myself admitting in my head that it felt.... nice. Right, even.

It was such a foreign feeling to me. Something I'd never experienced before.

I've been with girls in the past. Of course I have. But they were no more than just casual fucks. Someone to hook up with for a night or weekend. And that was it. I never had the patience or time for a girlfriend. I never saw myself as the boyfriend type.

With me constantly being fostered, I was never in one place long enough to find someone I genuinely liked. And if truth be told, I never allowed myself to fall for someone. I never allowed my feelings to latch onto something or someone.

It was no secret that I never fitted in anywhere before. I was never made to feel like I belonged. I didn't even feel cared for. So I'd constantly put a wall in front of my feelings. I wouldn't let anyone get too close to me. And I'd never get close to others.

And when I did want to make a move on a girl. It was on my terms. My say so. When I wanted.

Last night was a first. Della throwing herself on me the way she did. It's happened numerous times to me in the past. But I'd always dodged them. I never found that kind of behavior in a girl attractive. I like a chase. I like to work for something. Even though I'd never had to before when it came to chicks. But that's what did it for me.

So why didn't I find it a turn off when Della did it so out of the blue? If anything I was more into it because she made the first move.

Fuck, I was confused.

And now look at the situation we're both left in. Both of us scared to even speak and have a normal conversation with the other. Because we're both aware how fucked up and wrong all this is.

I threw the covers off myself and slowly crept to the door. Pulling it open to listen if I could hear any movements from her.

It was silent. So I think I was safe.

As much as I wanted to just have this conversation out with and over and done with. I knew it was impossible to do.

Della would much rather forget it ever happened than have to speak about it. So I guess that's the best thing to do. And just go on, ignoring each other?