Disallowed ⇔ Matty Healy

Chapter 20

~ Matty ~

What I was doing wasn't wrong. The girl was helping me out, showing me around, un-knowingly to her, distracting me from the shit that's previously happened and still clogging up my brain.

So why am I sat here with guilt eating me up? Why are my eyes still fixed on this door that Della just swiftly existed from only thirty seconds ago? And why am I expecting her to come bolting through it again to demand what the hell I was doing.

Especially now I know this is her friend. .... Shit.

Why did she bolt for the door? Why did she panic and make it so obvious to me that she seemed, I dunno, jealous? She made it pretty clear to me that we need to keep well away from each other. She's the one refusing to sort this or even speak about it. She's the one who'd rather forget the whole thing existed. And me too, if she could. So what's changed? If anything, I'm doing her a favor. I'm doing exactly what she wanted me to do - to make some friends to hang with so I wasn't around her twenty-four seven.

But I guess I could see the problem here. These were her friends. 

But it's not like I planned this. I had no idea who this girl was when I walked into that store. And she's the one that came over to me and offered me out for lunch. I can guarantee it would be harder if I was to be rude to her friends and not want anything to do with them. That would make things more difficult for her, surely?

Why shouldn't I be able to get along with who I want? Whether they're her friends or not, I'm still going out of my way to do what she wants, and hang with other people.

I feel as though I just can't win with Della. Nothing I do is good enough.

"So you're the guy starting at our school, huh?" The new girl that joined us a few minutes ago asked from across the table. Already knowing without pulling my eyes away from the door that she was staring at me with a wildly grin.

"Er... yeah" I nodded. Not shifting my eye line.

Is she going to come back? I'm expecting her to come back. I think, I want her to come back.

Because a part of me wants her to know, and to see that I'm doing nothing wrong here. I'm having lunch with a friend?... Well, with her friend. And that's it!

"You're already going to be the cool kid when you start. The shinny new toy" She giggled. "Definitely now you're with the coolest girl in school" She nodded over at Livia, who unwelcomingly vacated from her seat to sit beside me, lifting my arm to put it over the back of her shoulders. 

I shifted uncomfortably, hoping she got the hint she'd made me feel slightly awkward. 

But no. As I brought my gaze down to her, she was staring up at me as though I was now hers? As though...

And then the girls words eventually registered into my brain.

"Oh!... No, no. We're not together. We-"

"My dad's the headteacher. Stick with me and you'll get away with murder" She whispered into my ear, cutting me off arrogantly.

"Cool" I said in monotone with a shrug. Like that meant anything to me. As though that would sway my mind.

Was she actually assuming we were together here? Or was she just trying to get me to go along with some childish play along role. But for what? To big her reputation. Or to make others jealous at school?

I couldn't even be arsed thinking into it. I had bigger fish to fry than worrying about some immature game.

All I could still think about was Della. Even more so now.