Disallowed ⇔ Matty Healy

Chapter 14

My hand hovers over her door. Needing to mentally calm myself down. If I go barging my way into her room now, with this mood and anger still cursing through me, I'll never find out what happened. Or how.

Why did she freak out when I opened the door? Was it because she knew it was me, and she was embarrassed. Or was it because she thought it was him again?

She was panicked. Hysterical. She looked frightened. Why?

I take in a deep breath. Not wanting to waste anymore time. I need to know she's okay.

I knock on the door, and quickly put my ear to the door to listen for a response.

"Go away" She calls out. Her voice shaky and quiet.

I can't do that.

"Let me in, Dells" I tell her, aiming to sound calm. But inside, I'm anything but.

"No. please go away" She says rushed before breaking into sobs again.

Fuck sake. If this is what she wants, then I should just go. I should just inform her that I'll be here, when and if she ever needs to chat to me. But what I do is the complete opposite. I can't just do nothing.

I push her door open slowly. Giving her chance to realize I'm coming in. I reach my arm across the wall near the door, and flick on her bedroom light.

"Turn it off!" She screams.

I switch it straight back off, before slowly making my way in and closing the door behind me.

Her room's pitch black. And I'm unaware of how her bedroom is laid out with furniture. Causing me to stumble into a set of draws. Then into something else. Her laundry basket I think.

"Help me out here" I groan, not being able to find her.

"Please" She sniffs up, "Just stay where you are. Don't come over" She whispers.

"Okay" I stay stood still. Staying where I am. Not wanting to upset her further. But I think she gets that I'm not leaving now. She's going to have to talk to me. All I want to do is help.

I take in a silent deep breath. Knowing this is going to be harder than I first thought. "Dell, I-" I don't even know how to word what I want to say. "I need you to tell me what happened"

"No" She replies straight after.

"Well, are you okay?"

"No" Her voice breaks. And I know she's crying again. Making this harder. I don't know what to do. Should I stay where I am? Should I continue asking questions? Or should I leave? Hug her even? Fuck sake! This is all new to me. I'm useless with this sort of stuff.

I begin creeping across towards her when my eyes start adjusting to the dark. I take a quick glance at her, as she sits on her bed. Legs crossed with a long t-shirt on. Her duvet now spread out across her bed. She sits, staring down at her hands, as she picks at a nail.

"I thought he loved me" She speaks quietly, then scoffs. Pulling a face as though she's stupid.

I finally reach her bed. Managing to get to her without her realizing.

"Did he hurt you?" I voice the first thing that came into my head. Needing to know. I can't concentrate until I know.

I slowly sit down on the edge of her bed. She must feel the bed dip down, as her head quickly shoots up to me. But she doesn't say a word. She just drops her head before putting a bit more distance between us, and stretches her legs out in front of her.

"Yes" She clears her throat. As thought she's trying to take control. But I know she's crying again.

Fucking hell. I suddenly feel as though a bus has just crashed into me. I don't think I've ever felt this livid in my life. I knew it. I fucking knew it!

I bounce up from the bed, already aware my whole body's shaking with anger. "He's fucking dead!" I voice in a harsh threat, turning swiftly to head back for the door.

"No!" She shouts out suddenly. "No. Not like that" Her voice stops me. I turn back to give her my attention again. "I just- he cheated on me. And-... and then he slept with me. Just to dump me straight after. He- he used me. How much of a mug does that make me?" She tries forcing a smile across her face as she looks across at me. Getting a glimpse of her face for the first time.

And the sight of her knocks me for six. It quickly vanishes the anger in me, and leaves me feeling hurt.

I suddenly get the urge to just cuddle her. As though I want to just hold her. And allow her to break down on me. To cry. To talk to me. To just lie with her, until she falls asleep.

I feel as though I... I just want to protect her.

I guess it's like a brotherly instinct, already kicking in?

I dunno. Fuck knows.

But I quickly figure in my head, that's what I'm going to do. That's what we'll do tonight.

I quickly tell her everything's going to be okay. And that I'm going to get rid of everyone downstairs and we can just talk all night. Or sleep. Or just stay silent for the rest of the night.

But whatever we do. I'm going to be right here.

I'm not going anywhere.