Dare to dream [Book 1]

Chapter 28 ~ Time for reflection

~Pia~

I feel like such a horrible friend, I know I've been a bit selfish over this past week and I honestly don't know how Miles puts up with me sometimes.  When he took me out yesterday I know I wasn't my normal self and to be honest I don't know if I will be, atleast for a little while.  I'm guarded about everything since I lost Rhys and even more now that I've lost Shayne.  I crumbled into a blubbering mess as we passed the restaurant where Shayne took me for our first date.  Miles tried to comfort me but I feel like such an idiot and just thinking about it makes me teary.

Last night I managed to compose myself as Miles surprised me with a front row ticket to his show that night.  I had originally planned to attend but with everything happening and then Shayne came into the picture I completely forgot about it.  I feel like I've been a bad friend as I've neglected him a little bit over the last few weeks. Having the opportunity to spend an entire day with him was wonderful although I don't want to give him the wrong impression.  I know he loves me as I do him and we say it to each other all the time, but as long time ago when we first became friends he kissed me.

I love him like a brother and I'm very protective of him, probably too protective sometimes as I'm sure I've scared away possible future girlfriends for him too.  But I wonder if he wants more as I sometimes see a look in his eyes and I know if given the opportunity I'm pretty sure he'd have me.  I don't want to jeopardise our friendship or ever risk losing him as he means everything to me which is why I've never crossed the line.

I'd rather have him as my best friend than risk losing him as we have become so incredibly close and can't imagine my life without him in it.  We can both be quite flirty and often say things or send silly messages to each other and if you didn't understand the dynamics of our relationship you would probably think we are a couple.  It's something that we get asked about alot alot because we are so close and we both been single for such a long time.  But I've always tried to be careful not to give him the wrong idea or to let him think I want more than friends.  

I'm going through hell right now but I'm so glad that I've had the opportunity to spend the entire day with him.  He knows me so well because even though I've had my cell phone switched off, giving the hint I want to be left alone, he knows different.  Miles always puts me at ease and knows how to comfort me so I'm grateful for his company.

As soon as Miles finished his set singing the band continued to play and one of his backup singers took to the stage, she has the most sultry voice I've ever heard.  Miles took the opportunity to show off as we got to test out a few of our dance routines we learn't in dance class.  The audience even joined in, cheering us on as we danced the night away.

Smiling and laughing I start to think that maybe this time things will work out ok.  I'm much stronger than I once was and maybe things are not so good right now but I'm lucky because I've got the most amazing friends.  Miles is one of them and I feel so blessed to have him as he is truly a wonderful friend.  I don't take any of my friends for granted and I know I've been hiding but I'm going to make sure I let them all know just how much they mean to me and that I really appreciate their concern.

I know they all think I'm fragile as I was a huge mess when Rhys died and I guess I grieved for a very long time.  But I'm a much stronger person now and even if I have to put the walls up for awhile I know I will be ok...atleast it's what I keep telling myself.

I had such a fun night with Miles as I eventually collapsed into bed at 2am.  He really is a blast to hang out with and tonight was a great distraction.  Tonight I didn't have any sad moments which was nice, athough I can't promise it won't happen now that I'm alone.  Miles and I have agreed to catch up again in a couple of days and I'm keen to hit the beach and have another surfing less.  I can't wait to see him as I've only realised just how much I've missed him.

I few hours later I wake up and suddently I'm wide awake...

Insomnia has become my constant companion this week and I'm a mix of emotions right now as I just want to move on and forget about things, but I feel guilty.  Maybe it was a mistake and maybe Shayne is having second thoughts but I don't regret it or the time I had with him.  It's been a very long time since I've let anyone in and I'm scared and I'm wondering if I'm being punished for something as I'm just not mean't to be happy.  I still think about Rhys often, I really miss him and I always will.

I think Rhys would have approved of Shayne but I can't but feel guilty like I don't deserve this.  Looking at my cell phone my eyes well up and I decide it's best to stay switched off for now.

I don't even have the courage to turn it on as I know there will be a heap of messages from him but I can't bring myself to listen to them or read the messages just yet.  I'm prett sure Shayne will know I'm avoiding him by now but I'm still hurting, it's still so raw and I'm angry at him.  

How could he do this to me, I can't believe I was so naive to think we were 'exclusive' when we weren't.  Perhaps I've just been dreaming like I thought the whole time, I've been imaginging it all and now my nightmare is the truth.  He was so easy to talk to and be around, we became so comforable around each other so quickly.

He made me feel like nothing else mattered, like I was the centre of his universe when he was around.  I guess I got it wrong...maybe we just went too fast.  Another set of tears start to flow and I sob uncontrollably as the realisation hits me....I'm in love with him, I really miss him and I want him back it hurts so much.

If I can't have him I really don't want to be here anymore, anwhere but here....I really hope I get that call....

Happy for the solitude at the beach house it has given me time to reflect on alot of things and I feel like I could stay here forever it's so peaceful here.  I'm so greateful to Jarrod offering me to stay here when I originally mentioned take a break from North Beach.  

This place is so peaceful at night and lately because I can't sleep I often sit out on the deck watching the stars wishing for sleep to take me.  When I do sleep it's never for long because I've been having nightmares, Shayne is everywhere constantly consuming my thoughts and I can't get him out of my head.

This week I've been avoiding the office at all costs and spending as much time here at the beach house as possible.  I've been sneaking into the office during the early hours of the morning when I can't sleep to grab any files I need, as no one is around and I can't bear to face him right now as I know I would break down. 

I know I'm hiding and I'm sure everyone knows but I really don't care as I just want to be left alone to lick my wounds.  I let my guard down and look what happened, so my walls are firmly back up now and I'm focussing on myself for now.  Nothing is going to stop me from achieving my dream, I let myself get distracted and I really hope I get selected to tour with Rachel.  Right now it would not only be the perfect opprotunity but the perfect escape.

Sitting here I reflect on it all as I listen to the waves crash and take in the beautiful view of the water in front of me,  For a moment I watch the shadows dance around me in the moonlight before I feel the sting.  I lose it again and  my vision is blurred as the tears begin to fall hard.