Thoughts of a Scared Liar

First of Many Lies

To start it all ...

I opened my facebook account and I realized that it's like a cycle.

Scroll. Scroll. Scroll.

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Read posts.

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Karamihan ng posts na nakikita at nababasa ko puro kababawan at kagaguhan na lang. Nakakasawa. Nakakapurga. Ganito na ba talaga karamihan sa mga tao ngayon?

Nakakapagod ... makibagay, makiisa, umintindi, at sumunod sa conformity ng mga taong gumagamit ng internet. Ang dami kasi nila.

Nakakapagod makita yun lahat.

Yung kaibigan ko na mahilig mag-selfie, laging hinihiram yung android phone ko at naga-upload ng selfies nya. 150 pictures? Psh. That's not even her minimum. She have a lot. Pag nahawakan mo phone ko iisipin mo na sya ang may-ari dahil sa sobrang dami ng picture nya. Ang ginagamit nyang pang-fb? My phone.

Partida, nakikiusap pa sya na palodan ko yun for her. Hardihar.

But I don't hate her. And if you're thinking that my first lie is: I'm her friend but not actually her friend, sasabihin ko na kaagad na 'no'. I don't hate her. And I'm not faking our friendship. Believe me, I am not lying on this part.

Oh, well. Bahala kayo kung maniniwala kayo o hindi.

The thing is: I love and accept her but ... I got tired. For that particular attitude.

Or hobby.

Or whatever the hell you want to call it.

I have so many friends in my fb account. Virtual. The fake ones. The personal.

My virtual friends are okay. Which is none actually. Wala akong virtual friends friends. Like, they are my friends in facebook but not really in the sense of the word. Friends in the internet but strangers in the real world.

The fake ones are fine. They post a lot how sad they are. And how their lives are so hopeless ... and lonely ... or in some, perfect ... and good.

Now, the real thing that bothers me most are my personal friends. They ask too much from me. At hindi ko kayang ibigay. Money. Time. Money. Time. Money. Time.

I always dreaded if someone from my high school friends pm'ed and such. Not that I don't miss them. I love their company. I love them. I love when I talk to them. But there are times ... nagiging compulsory na ang lahat.

Nagtatampo sila kapag hindi na ako nakakapag reply. Nagagalit na sila kapag hindi ko pinapansin yung iba nilang posts.

And then I get pressured. Like, what the hell En! You're such a bad friend! You're a failure! Just puke at yourself! Harharhar.

Kapag nagyaya ng gala at hindi ka nakasama, WTF En. Wala kang kwenta. FO na!!!!!!

That's how I feel anyway.

Call me 'En' nga pala. Not my real name or whatever. Kakaisip ko lang nyan habang nagta-type.

I am busy. If I could just be in two places at once edi sana masaya.

Or a wormhole for teleportation okay na rin.

Tsaka magic pitaka na nagpoproduce ng sandamakmak na salapi para mas masaya.

Nai-stress ako. Nape-pressure kasi hindi ko sila mapagbigyan. Hindi ko magawa yung mga bagay na gusto nilang kasama ako.

Napapagod ako ...

So I lied.

I dunno what's gotten into me but I just announced to my friends one day that I can't open my account anymore.

I hate conformities and I get pressured by it easily. And fb is a medium for confirmity. It's like a cage to me.

Haha. I lied. Boom.

Be! I can't open my account. Ayaw i-accept yung password ko.

Aw. You're so sweet. And sensetive. And compassionate. You're an angel. Don't worry if I don't post anything anymore. I just forgot my password. Nothing really happened.

[To: *high school friend*]

Hoy *high school friend*!!! sorry kasi di nakasama. Ngayon ko lang nalaman. Piniem mo pala ako sa fb? Hindi ko alam e. Hahahaha. Tanga lang sensya. XD

Nakalimutan ko pw ko. Txt txt nlng khit di naman ako nagloload huehuehue

[SEND]

Wow. Nakatakas ako. Wow.

So yeah. The best way to run away without really running away is to lie.

Internet is like a portal for whateverssssss. It's a grand thing. One of the best invention of mankind.

But most of the time, it's a medium that shallow people used to express how shallow they are. Take that fucking Facebook for example.

Kaya nga nandito na ako sa wattpad e. At least it's not awkward to write anything in here. And people here will just think that my thoughts are not that much of a bullshit because I post it in the proper medium.

I am selfish. I'm actually a silent bitch. But at least I don't post nonsense.

I don't judge unless I have the grounds.

Am I an attention seeker? Probably.

Most people don't share something that matters. Instead of spreading good news, words of hopes and miracles, wonderful pictures of lovely moments, inspiring stories, and tips of having a good life, most people's posts goes something like this:

Yaya Dub vs. Ms. Pastillas

PNoy sucks!

Duterte for president

Let's go for Poe

Joey de Leon's tweet about plagiarism

*Hugot about love life

*Hugot about moving on

*Nonsense chain messages

*Sad quotes about life na kinuha kung saan

*And well ... other posts na puno ng kaplastikan

Nakakapagod makita yun lahat. Kayo ba hindi napapagod? Madalang ka ng makatatagpo ng mga posts na may kwenta. And it makes me sad. That's one of the reason why I lied.

Yes. It's not big deal.

I may be wrong. I may be right. Some may agree with me. Most may beg to differ.

I'm so tired with all the bullshits.

AND. NO. ONE. EVER. NOTICE.

Haha. Patawa ka En. Paki ba nila sayo? Wala silang pake. Ikaw lang ang may pake. Pakelamera ka kasi. Ang dami mong pinapansin.

Hay. Whatever. If you ask me if this is a rant or a novel .... this is my answer:

It's not a rant. It's not entirely a novel.

Is it a diary? Probably.

It's a story. My story of how I am so scared. My story of lying. This is not my first lie. And there is so much more coming.